Friday, December 02, 2011

947 A Letter From the Airline

947 A Letter From the Airline

From: Farkluct Airways
To: Farkluct Frequent Flyer Mile Members
Re: Our Bankruptcy Filing

Dear Frequent Flyer:  As you know, we filed for reorganization under Chapter 11 this week and we are writing to assure you that your Farkluct Frequent Flyer Miles are safe and that we will honor them as well as all tickets to all of our destinations throughout this proceeding.

We want to assure you that we will continue to provide you with normal flight schedules, reservations, refunds, and all of our other services and that the 80-thousand employees here at Farkluct are happy to see you and happy to help you on your journey.

When we emerge from reorganization, we expect to make several improvements.  Among the things you can look forward to is our new in-flight fitness program.  We plan to remove 28 percent of the seats on each plane and install subway-style polls and straps so you can improve circulation and muscle tone while standing for the duration of your flight.  

Your FFFMiles can be used to upgrade you to a half time, three quarter time or full time seat (Times do not include runway waits or other on-ground delays.Other restrictions may apply.)  

Farther along, we plan to reduce personnel overhead, keeping your costs low.  Among our innovations will be our new fleet of Airbus FarkluctDrone aircraft.  Be assured that your safety is our first concern.  An experienced Farkluct Pilot will be at ground controls at all times to assure a safe and smooth trip for no more than five aircraft at one time.

Farkluct will also make flying more economical by rescinding baggage handling fees.  As we expect to downsize our contingent of baggage handlers by 100%, we will be inviting all passengers to place their own baggage in the cargo hold before takeoff and retrieving it should the flight reach its destination.  We believe this new efficiency will reduce boarding and deplaning times by at least 52%.

As always, we will be providing the world class service for which we have become renowned.  And thank you for flying Farkluct.

Shrapnel:

--Romney, supposed grown-up among the Republican candidates for the party’s presidential nomination, has an ad in which a quote from Obama is twisted 180 degrees to seem like he means the opposite of what he said.  This is something you’d expect from a Bachmann or a Newt.  Giving Mitt the benefit of the doubt in which one assumes he wasn’t aware of the misquote... the guy needs to pay more attention to what his ads  say in his behalf, especially when they don’t withdraw the ad when outed.

Holiday Shopping Tip:  Watch batteries don’t last forever and getting them replaced is becoming something of a chore.  First, you try it yourself.  Usually you can’t get the back open.  So you bring it to the nearest big box store because jewelers charge a bundle.  But the big box stores tend not to change batteries in watches when they don’t sell the brand and many no longer change batteries at all.  The toughest of the tough is Fossil, which is a shame because they make so much nice stuff.  Getting a battery changed in a Fossil watch is harder than getting a battery changed in a Prius.



I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2011

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