Friday, December 30, 2011

959 WestraDamus 2011

959 WestraDamus 2011
       This duplicates what was posted on the Westradamus.com website on 12/29/11.  If you have seen that, then you have seen this.

With 2012 upon us, we offer the 23rd anniversary edition of the WestraDamus predictions, presented each December or January for the year gone by and generally wrong. 'Damus started as a parody of the forward looking Astrological year-enders appearing in the supermarket tabloids, almost always wrong and never acknowledged as such. But the Non-Prophet has grown into an American institution, like the Smithsonian, the Jerry Lewis Telethon, concealed handguns, the Kardashians and the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.  And so, we continue...


TOP OF THE YEAR:
This year, we are under the most intense pressure ever.  Another non-prophet has crept upon the scene and made a false prediction so outrageous as to make us look absolutely sane.  The end of the world, originally scheduled first for May and then for October of 2011 will not happen.  Shows you gotta stick with the original, WestraDamus!

Among the big things set to happen last year is the resignation of President McCain who said he wants to spend more time with his family and pursue other interests.  Chief Justice Thomas is to swear in Vice President Palin who says she doesn’t plan to run for election.

The political movement Occupy Main Street will gain momentum after a slow start at midyear.  The Conservative-backed protests have spread to many of the nation’s more prosperous suburbs from its beginnings in Shaker Heights, Ohio.

Occupy Great Neck, Occupy Woodmere, Occupy Palo Alto, Occupy Scarsdale, Occupy Greenwich have all attracted members of the nation’s richest one percent.  Many camp out by putting their tour buses and recreational vehicles in public parking lots.  Police in all these towns say “as long as they’re not breaking any laws, we’re not going to try to stop them from exercising their first amendment rights.”  Demonstrators and Protesters carry signs with slogans like “After all we’ve done for you!” and “Lower Taxes, make jobs.”

In Orlando, homemaker Casey Anthony will become the first Florida death row inmate executed in ages after she was charged and convicted of killing her toddler daughter.  Anthony was arrested at her neighborhood church where police found her conducting a meeting of the Christmas Cookie Club, which she has chaired for the past two years.

Michael Jackson’s Doctor, Conrad “Needles” Murray will face murder charges, but will walk.  

And late in the year, an obscure former assistant football coach in an obscure northeastern town will be honored for decades of dedicated charity work with young boys, but will decline the honor, saying he was only “doing the right thing.”

Now, the Month-By-Month in Non-Prophecy

JANUARY:  
A giant tornado will deposit thousands of dead birds on Arkansas.  Former Governor Mike Huckster will declare it God’s way of providing food for hungry Arkansans.  He’ll say “See, the Lord has provided and even started food prep!”

A similar story will take place in Russia, where hundreds of people are stuck on boats trapped in the ice.  Officials say this will provide freeze dried nutrition for the people starving in Moscow and St. Petersburg.

China will halt production of the Black Eagle jet fighter because lead paint in the fuselage will harm people on the ground when the planes crash.

FEBRUARY:
Egyptian dissidents will descend on the royal palace in an effort to de-throne King Farouk.

The rock band White Stripes will announce it is breaking up.  The general reaction will be “who?”

Japan will deny that Sumo wrestling matches are fixed.  Hulk Hogan will be unavailable for comment because he’s on location filming ads for Rent-A-Center.

Somali pirates will grant political asylum to Egypt’s King Farouk in return for a king’s ransom, but the Bank of Egypt will have frozen his accounts.

Congress will pass legislation opposing the imposition of a leap-day, Feb. 29, 2012.  Republican leaders will laud “one day less of taxation.”  Democratic leaders will laud “the end of a pernicious special interest.”

MARCH:
ATT will offer to buy T-Mobil as part of its plan to make every call in America drop.

The US will impose a no-fly zone over every airport that connects with any major place.

APRIL:
The federal government will shut down because of congress’ inability to agree on a budget.  But certain important agencies will be spared and keep running:  the IRS, the Supreme Court, and the FHA.

A giant earthquake will devastate parts of Japan, but Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Suzuki, Subaru, Sony, Panasonic and Toshiba will be spared.

MAY:  
Saudi diplomat Osama Bin Ladin will be assassinated while vacationing at his summer villa in Pakistan.  Members of his social club, Al-Qaeda, will claim it is part of a worldwide movement to abolish the Muslim faith.  Lexicographers will say he deserved to die because he refused to put “u” after “Q.”  And conspiracy theorists will speculate that Bin Ladin’s murder was similar to Apollo 11’s moon landing... faked.

JUNE:
The entire state of Iowa will be washed away in a flood.  Authorities will quickly try to restore the area in time for the caucuses scheduled for the first week in January, 2012, but subject to reschedule for some time in 2009, to maintain their status as “earliest.”

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney declares he will not run for president, choosing instead to return to the world of venture capital where he can help more people escape from jobs.

JULY:
Greece will seek Chapter 11 protection from creditors, becoming the first member of the European Union to declare bankruptcy.


AUGUST:
Hurricane Irene will cause mass transit systems up and down the east coast to shut down, bringing heaps of praise to government leaders in the area for showing foresight in protecting residents by having emergency plans in place and using them.

Agencies threaten to lower the credit rating on US debt, but later relent and say “it was only a joke, folks.”

SEPTEMBER:
One of the Republican candidates for the party’s presidential nomination, Herman Cain, will promise free pizza to every American if he wins.  He’s joined on the platform for the announcement by his wife and two lovers.

The Homeland Security Dept.  will announce it has foiled a 9/11 terrorist attack on Parsippany, NJ by a cell of freedom fighters from Luxembourg.  

The Palestinian Authority will request UN membership, causing a walkout by delegations from Taiwan, Kosovo, Vatican City, and the Confederate States of America.

OCTOBER:
Greece’s Bankruptcy will end months of labor unrest.  Qaddafi of Libya will resign to take a job with the World Bank, but only after writing a long letter to his fellow African, Herman Cain, briefly explaining his country’s 24-hundred year history.

An earthquake in Turkey will also hit Turkish Cypress, but leave the Greek part untouched because Greece already has enough problems.

NOVEMBER:
Occupy Main Street Protesters, reacting to the onset of winter-like weather, will take their demonstrations indoors, renting the otherwise useless Madison Square Garden for three months.  Eight protesters will be arrested for illegally parking their RVs at Penn Station.  The owners of two BMWs and a Bentley will see this and move their cars to a paid lot during the arrests.

DECEMBER:
As expected, Christmas will take place on December 25th again this year despite efforts to move it to the nearest Monday.

Your spouse and your lover will become involved in a fender bender, realize they love each other and sail off into the sunset together.

A Brooklyn judge will release an arrested crackhead wanted for a North Carolina shooting, only to see him later re-arrested and charged with the murder of an NYPD cop.  Mayor Bloomberg will go ballistic and people will support him because of the fine job he did in August’s devastating hurricane and besides, it will not have snowed yet this winter.

Israel’s stealth takeover of North Korea will become public knowledge when it is disclosed that founding president Kim Il Sung was Jewish and had changed his name from Sammy Kimmel in the late 1940s.

AND A DECEMBER APOLOGY:
For some time now, WestraDamus has been predicting that Sears/K-Mart would be closing stores and selling off real estate.  Late in December, that became a reality.  Our apologies for being right.

QUICKIES:  

The US unemployment rate for the year will even out at about four percent, matching the inflation rate... the Dow Jones Industrial Average will top out at 5867.56, led by tech stocks and manufacturing... a shortage of toilet paper will cause the sales of handi-wipes and large size post-it notes to skyrocket... The FDA will define “organic” as anything edible and everything else as inorganic... Anti abortion activists will campaign for an end to prohibition, believing even a small constitutional victory will encourage contributions...

I’m WestraDamus, the Non-prophet.  My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®
©WJR 2011
This rant will be available throughout 2012 at http://westradamus.com/

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