Wednesday, December 21, 2011

955 Some Very Short Takes

955 Some Very Short Takes:

North Korea:
The new leader will usher in a new era in Pyongyang as soon as his babysitter gives the okay.

Candidates for the Republican presidential nomination:
-Romney is a 14 year old girl.
-Paul is the cranky old neighbor known for "get your dog off my lawn," and who wants to do the 14 year old girl.
-Gingrich is the community college professor who resents that no four-year school would hire him, when he “just knows” he belongs at Harvard.
-Perry is a life size John Wayne action figure, only dumber.
-Huntsman is Rick Perry with a brain which is turned off.
-Little Ricky Sanatorium is Romney after too many diet pills.
-Bachmann is the home-schooling soccer mom driving an SUV with a "baby on board" placard who careens around you to steal the last parking space.

And if Cain were still in the contest:  Mr. Magoo with one of those four hour erections the Viagra ads keep warning about.

Democratic Presidential Candidate:
Will there be one?

Jerry Sandusky:
“I met him once and immediately felt like taking a shower; good thing I didn’t.” --Anonymous.

Speaking of Penn State:
Some students can’t count higher than nine so when you order the ten piece at the local KFC, open the bucket and count before leaving the counter.

Checkout counters:
Why can’t they make them with extra room at the end so the guy who has to carefully fold his receipt and enter his purchase in the checkbook or count the change for the coffee he bought with a $100 bill doesn’t hold up the line?

“I never liked them, anyway.” -- Mahmoud al-Abouzavala bin Salamoudouz, freelance chemist and student pilot, Windsor, Ont.

Piers Morgan:
“I never liked him, anyway.”  -- Larry King.

Jilted under appropriate pressure by suitor at&t, but keeps the dowry and has no plans to stop advertising its 4-G network in jingles that make it sound like they’re singing “orgy network.”

General Electric:
Finally gets its 100 year old wish to fully get out from under Thomas Edison by ending American production of incandescent lightbulbs, decades after ending its production of phonograph records.

The Ed Koch Bridge:
No one ever calls it that and no one ever will and did you expect any different?

Lipitor $4 Co-pay:
With the patent expired and generics available, the maker of this drug wants you to buy it through its own mail order pharmacy/partner which won’t let you if you’re on Medicare or a medicare advantage plan... and this is not clear on the application.

WestraDamus 2012 Update:
Plans to scrap the website have been scrapped and 2011 in Non Prophecy will be available at after all.  Eventually.

Reader Comment:
This from John Gibson of State College, PA.  and refers #954, The Fountains of Russia:

  It is a common misunderstanding that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole of Planet Earth.  In fact he is from the North Pole of Planet Xyurk, in another solar system.  He travels by UFO till he reaches Earth's atmosphere, then switches to sleigh and reindeer for the local travel.
  He also serves 82 quadrillion other solar systems, which makes for a busy night each year.
 It is another error to believe that he is Greek.  Does he look Greek to you?
 Nor is he a Christian saint, as is commonly supposed.  Ever see him visit a church?  He represents a kind of paganism native to his native planet.  It advises being good but otherwise doesn't tell people what to do.

Reader Question:
If there’s a war on Christmas why is there no war on Hanukkah?  Answer:  There can’t be until everyone agrees on one spelling -- then you can go to war.

Holiday Shopping Tip:
It’s December 21st.  If you haven’t finished your gift list yet, you’re beyond help.  The stores are all open from very very early to very very late.  Some are open 24 hours.  Get cracking! If you have finished, congrats.  Don’t forget, the big post-Christmas sales start on 12/26.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to
© WJR 2011

No comments:

1970 Parody Time's Up

Making fun of the crisis in America’s government gets you only so far.  And with an infantile, mentally challenged, illegitimately ele...