1001 Memo from the CEO
C O N F I D E N T I A L
From: Your CEO
To: All Human Resources Personnel, All Executive Vice Presidents, All Senior Vice Presidents, All Vice Presidents, Department Managers, Assistant Department Managers.
Subject: New hiring protocols.
As you know, there’s been a huge fuss lately about asking prospective employees for their Facebook and Twitter passwords or requesting they log onto their accounts in the presence of HR people. This is a gross violation of privacy. It has never been a practice here and never will be.
However, in today’s conditions, we have to protect ourselves against hiring or allowing people of questionable qualities to remain on our payroll. So within the next several weeks, each person receiving this memo also will be receiving our new Employee Evaluation Kit.
The EEK, as we call it, consists of a quantity of latex-free exam gloves and a like number of clear plastic evidence bags.
Our aim is collecting the DNA of the prospect or employee.
When taking a prospect to lunch, make sure he leaves the restaurant before you do. Once he’s gone, don the gloves and using your hands, gently put his silverware or glass or cup into an evidence bag. Mark the bag with the person’s name and the date and bring it to security on the 2nd floor of our Park Avenue headquarters building.
While interviewing someone already on the payroll, please offer him a china cup of coffee or a can of soda. (We have eliminated paper cups that the employee might take and dispose of.) When the interview ends, follow the procedure in the above paragraph.
In an age of spiraling health care costs, we want to make sure that no one we hire has the markers for any costly future disease or condition.
If a prospect is found to have any of those markers, he is automatically excluded from further consideration. If an existing employee is found to have these markers, take the following steps immediately:
1. Direct his supervisor to start logging complaints even if there are none.
2. Make sure the employee receives negative quarterly reviews.
3. Make sure no raises or promotions are offered to the employee.
4. After sufficient time, terminate his employment.
I remind you that this memo, its contents and the regulations it provides are strictly confidential and violations of the confidentiality clause in your employment agreement dictates that disclosing this information is grounds for immediate dismissal.
If we all work together for the good of the Company, we’ll have a healthy and happy work environment. And please remember that when an employee or prospect leaves a DNA sample with you, he can have no expectation of privacy.
Shred this paper after you have read it.
Thanks to DT of New York for the seed of the idea.
--You hang out in the same place long enough, they start calling you “venerable” and, these days, “iconic.” And so it was with Gil Noble, 80 who passed away the other day. Noble was a reporter/anchor at New York’s Ch. 7 for something like 40 years. He created and hosted “Like it Is,” the interview program that focused on African American achievers, one of the first -- maybe THE first -- and longest running programs of its kind.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions (and my DNA) are my own but you’re welcome to the former and keep your paws, latex gloves and evidence bags off the latter. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2012