1089 A Letter from the Boss
PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS A PARODY.
I want to take this opportunity to speak to all 230,000 of you about the importance of the election coming up in a few days. And thanks to the Supreme Court and its Citizens United decision, I am able to communicate with you all at the same time.
As you know, there is a lot at stake for those of us in banking business, especially among those of us who are considered too big to fail, a terrible misnomer.
While we were happy to have a little hand up from the Obama and Bush administrations in the recent past, we feel that the President is preparing to take away some of our personal and corporate freedoms.
For example, there’s legislation prepared, that if passed would force us to choose between investment banking and securities sales and retail banking. If we were to choose retail, we would be cut off from one of our most lucrative product groups and have to reduce payroll by as many as 100,000 associates.
If we chose investment banking, our ability to contribute to life in the communities we serve in 28 states would be eliminated overnight and we would have to reduce our workforce by about 130,000.
You have a right to job security, and we job creators think you should continue to have that right. But we can’t support it if we have to close half of our business.
As it is, we are forced to prepare alternatives to our group medical coverage that will be too costly to continue should the incumbent win another term. Do you really want those death panels making your decisions for you?
Further, we believe that the Obama administration is preparing to raise our corporate tax rate in order to pay for its ever-growing welfare state.
Please don’t take this as pressure. I cannot control your vote and wouldn’t wish to. But let me remind you that another four years of a black Kenyan Muslim socialist who supports homosexual “marriage,” and the murder of unborn babies can’t benefit anyone but the lazy moochers and panhandlers who sit around in their trailers and on the steps of their public housing projects, smoking dope, drinking booze and increasing the population so their handouts will grow while thousands of you work to support them at your own expense.
So please think carefully when you step into the voting booth next month. And please remember, you have a friend in the chairman’s office. And we know where you live.
Whitcolm Blain Vanderviscose III
Chairman and CEO
Stately Bank and Trust
--Looks like Craig’s List has paced even Wikipedia in the unreliability department. More scams than legit ads, at least in the help wanted section. That wouldn’t be so bad if jobs weren’t as scarce as they are these days.
And from the Facebook page of friend and colleague Dan Thomas:
No mass transit in New York past 7pm. So all the hospital staff, electrical workers, building custodians, journalists, pharmacists, 911 operators, food delivery personnel, hotel staff, and thousands of others on whom we depend in an emergency have no way to get to work. Well ... they can drive in. Yes that's it... thousands of additional cars on the flooded roads. Of course the parking garage attendants can't get to work either, so where you gonna park? On the plus side... at least we won't get fat drinking large soft drinks.
Posted Sunday afternoon 10/28/12
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
© WJR 2012
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