1192 The Up Side of the Spy Drama
Never underestimate the American spirit of innovation! The NSA is now test marketing a new service. If it succeeds as expected, you’ll be able to simplify your life, streamline your bookkeeping and throw away your calendars.
The service is Citizens Intelligence Alerts. Call it CIA for short. Just a little inter-agency joshing.
You can join for free and receive the “basic package.” This funnels much of the information the NSA has spent years and billions collecting and making good use of it. They have all your data: name, address, telephone numbers, internet carrier, height, weight, age, medical conditions, environmental and atmospheric conditions and local weather.
Each morning, you will be issued a “daily report,” based on the information you supplied. Here’s an example:
Good morning, Al. It’s Wednesday, June 26, 2013 and 58 degrees, going up to 82 under partly sunny skies. You weigh 208 pounds, or 13 pounds heavier than you were last year at this time. We suggest a modest diet starting today: Try a bowl of Cheerios. Use skim or 1% milk. Fresh strawberries will add flavor. You have 8 of them on the upper left shelf of your refrigerator. Six of the eight are growing soft. Use them all this morning to avoid waste.
Your Social Security payment has been deposited into your Wells Fargo checking account. Your assistant, Brenda, will call in sick today. Please extend our best wishes for a speedy recovery.
Imagine getting a nice greeting like that in your e-mail each morning. And it’s all free!
But for just pennies a day, you can upgrade to a Silver Membership. If you do, you’ll get a memo just like the one above. But with Silver, there will be more:
Silver members enjoy all the benefits of the free standard membership plus daily appointment reminders (you don’t have to keep track; we do that for you already.) Plus we’ll remind you to renew your medicines, keep track of expenses you may be able to deduct from your income tax return and remind you when your car is due for an oil change.
And if you’re really into convenience, try our GOLD membership.
Gold members receive all the benefits of Silver membership plus: we’ll include a second vehicle in the oil change notification, alert you to the upcoming expiration of your driver’s license, your registration and inspection and your dog’s license and vaccination schedule. (Cats too!) Plus we’ll enter you in the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and in our own drawings for valuable prizes each month.
So call us today at 1 887 4-ALERTS or log in to NSAlerts.gov.
--Why is it when someone says “all major credit cards accepted” and you present your ExxonMobil plastic they reject it? Is there anything more major than Exxon? Certainly not Diners Club... but THAT they’ll take.
--Bet you didn’t know Diners was still around, but it is... sort of. It’s kind of a credit card association, rather than an actual credit card and its US operations are part of BMO Harris Bank based in Chicago but owned by a company in Montreal. The bills are written in French.
--Update on ousted Men’s Wearhouse founder George Zimmer. The company says Zimmer wanted to take the company private and run the whole shebang himself just like in the good old days. So it comes down to his job or the board members’ and the board members had the votes.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2013