Monday, December 15, 2014

1422 You're Nobody 'til Somebody Hacks You

Let’s face it: you’re not Sony.  You’re not Target. You’re not Home Despot.   

While identity theft is rampant, major hackings go only to the majors.  

The only exception is the NSA which knows which side of the bed you sleep on and your blood pressure, but won’t sell or publish your social security or bank account numbers unless it’s in a bad mood.

No, the true malice is reserved for the mighty.  Usually, it’s a collective mighty.  Like Sony or Target or Home Despot. Or some gigunda bank.

But there is a sense of status about a hack.  You ARE someone.

Do we really care about the email exchanges at Sony? Nah. It’s just gossip.  We love to peek.  And the hacking helped us.  

The retail hackers are more significant because of the potential harm they can do to customers.  And being part of a hacked group is trouble, not status.

If you’d like to join the upper ranks of the hacked, just announce that you’ve become a victim of some vicious nerd in Bulgaria or Belarus or Beijing.

Offshore hacks are far more exotic sounding than a vicious nerd operating out of an attic in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.

But if it’s status you want, self hacking is the way to go.   Copy and paste a love email on Facebook.  Then claim that someone has stolen both your email and your facebook accounts.

We love to know about extraordinary events in the lives of ordinary people, good and bad:  the in-flight birth of a baby… a rapper who hires a hit man to shoot at him because it’s street cred… a lone sailor lost at sea who makes a radio antenna out of a coathanger and is thereby found and then rescued.  And hacking -- real or fake -- still is an extraordinary event.

So self-hack away.  But don’t make it too outrageous or no one will believe your lie.  Tell your Facebook friends you lost some of -- but not all of -- your life savings.  Be credible:  say someone stole your identity and maxed out your MasterCard.  Then, max out your MasterCard.

Post a Youtube video telling your tale of woe.  Chances are it’ll go viral.  Everything “goes viral” and you’ll be a star.  Like Ebola, only probably less deadly.

In our celebrity crazed culture, everyone wants to be famous.  Well, here’s your chance.

But you’d better act fast.  Others who hadn’t thought of this path to stardom will be nipping at your heels.

Grapeshot:

--Question for Jeff Bezos: When Amazon doesn’t make a profit, which is pretty much all the time, how did you get so rich?

--Question for Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton, Lush Rimbaugh and Ted Cruz: Would you please step out of the limelight?
--Question for the entire cast of “Shark Tank:” Will you give us advance notice when all of you jump into a real one?

--Question for Aaron Sorkin: Why do all of your characters have to speak like Paddy Chayefsky-esque college professors?

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
Will someone please talk to Google about allowing macros in “Drive?”
© WJR 2014

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