YahOL -- A WessayLeaks℠ Exclusive!
As you have heard, Verizon has bought Yahoo. It already owns AOL. Internal memos have surfaced. WessayLeaks℠ has them. And now, so do you.
TO: Marissa Mayer, Arianna Huffington, Katie Couric
SUBJECT: Cardboard Boxes
Security will deliver cardboard boxes to your offices at 10:30 this morning, will wait until you have packed them and will help you transport them to your car in the parking lot.
Please be prepared to surrender your RFID Identification cards at that time.
Your logins have been disabled effective immediately and you have no access to our computer systems except for receiving company emails which you may forward to your home accounts in order to answer.
NOTE: All equipment, office furniture and other company supplied items remain the property of Verizon which is waiving early cancellation fees because of the unique circumstances of your departure.
Have a nice day.
TO: All YahOL Employees
SUBJECT: The New Yahoo!
Welcome to the New Yahoo, now combined with AOL and known as YahOL. We see an exciting future as we merge the company with our America On Line division. Our growing family of customers will soon dominate the internet world as Yahoo! and AOL did individually in their long gone prime years.
Once completed, the merger will encompass every continent as the best and most dense network ever.
And the economies realized from the combined operations will save an estimated $10 billion annually. Much of the savings will be passed along to stockholders, which include many of you loyal, longtime Yahoo employees.
The savings will derive from new efficiencies and higher productivity with a streamlined employee pool and additional income from paying subscribers.
We will be making modifications to staffing levels starting in the first quarter of 2017. Over the next six months, you may be offered the opportunity to pursue other interests and to spend more time with your family.
If enough of you accept these invitations, there will be no layoffs. Our goal is to provide rightsizing opportunities to 123,234 people. If we are unable to reach that goal through volunteers, we may have to implement other means of staff modernization.
Again, welcome to YahOL and have a nice day.
TO: All YahOL Employees
SUBJECT: The YahOL Network
An exciting new internet experience awaits! We are in the process of investing $2 billion in a brand new network. It will bring our customers and partners blazing fast speeds and HD clarity.
It will provide theater quality sound and a host of features no one else can offer including security of the highest order.
To assure this quality, we will do with our new network what we have done with our mobile phone service: make it exclusive to our users.
As you know, Verizon mobile products are not compatible with those of other networks. Example: VZ and T phones cannot be interchanged.
So our new network, YahOL will not be compatible with the standard internet. This will keep our users safe and able to enjoy content available nowhere else.
Unfortunately, PCs, IOS, Android, Chrome and Linux operating systems will not be able to use YahOL. This may be disappointing to some users, but we will be offering a dazzling array of compatible phones, iPads, Android tablets, Windows and Mac-like computers and operating systems for every budget. And we will be offering them at steep discounts for new and existing users.
We’re still working on the details and arrangements with various device manufacturers. Contracts are already in place with Amstrad, Compac, Packard Bell, Osborn, RCA, Tandy, NextGen and Timex. More to come, and we’ll keep you informed.
Note to incoming YahOL employees: Your non-disclosure forms, fingerprints and DNA samples are due in HR by the end of the work day. Email transmission is acceptable for the agreements. Collection boxes for the fingerprint kits and DNA samples are situated in every department, worldwide.
© WessayLeaks℠ 2016
For reprint rights please contact email@example.com