Monday, July 10, 2017

1818 Quora Answers I'd Like to Give but Don't


Quora is a website where people ask questions and other people reply.  It can be informative and helpful.  It can also be a choral version of Dear Abby. But some of the questions are just plain dopey.

Here are some recent questions (some paraphrased):

Why doesn’t China adopt an alphabet like everyone else?

Answer I’d Like to Give but haven’t: Because what they have has worked for five thousand years and why fix what ain’t broke.

Question: How can I make my brake pads last longer?
Answer: Stop less often.

Q: Is Breitbart a reliable source?
A: Of what?

Q: What is it like to live in New York City?:
A: Same as anywhere else except faster and louder except at chain drug stores and the post office where it’s as bad as everywhere else.

Q: Is it okay for an adult daughter to share a bed with her father?
A: Only if they sleep alternate shifts in it.

Q: How can I reject a guy who says “Can we be just friends?”  
A: Just say no.

Q: Can someone with bad grammar be a good writer?
A: Sure if he or she has a good editor.

Q: What stops me from keeping a diary?
A: Nothing noteworthy ever happens to you.

Q: Which labs at (redacted) University are coolest to work in during the summer?
A: Why work in a lab when you can work in a movie theater and be cool all the time?

Q: What motivates someone to write?
A: Masochism.

Q: Is it OK for a mom to shower with her teenage kids?
A: See answer to the question about daughters and fathers sharing a bed.

Q: What do you think of when you hear the phrase “Black people?”
A: Black people.

Q: Why do most people believe vaccines don’t cause autism?
A: Because they don’t.

Q: Why don’t people understand Donald Trump?
A: Many of us failed Gibberish as a Second Language in sixth grade.

Q: How can I know if a homeless person is legit?
A: Follow him home and if he goes nowhere, he’s legit.

Q: How can I change an atheist?
A: What do you want to change him into?

Q: Why call people “differently abled” instead of “disabled?”
A: Oversensitivity.

Q: I want to speak better on text as I believe that I’m boring as I often am ignored by someone who I want to be a friend of mine.  What should I try?
(The above is a direct quote.)
A: Write shorter.  Much shorter. Your target isn’t bored. You just put him to sleep.

Q: Is it good to have one baby or two?
A: Yes.

Q: Will my professor be impressed if I write an assigned 20 page essay in 87 pages?
A: Yes, she will be impressed… with your lack of ability to meet specifications, your bloated wordiness and your blatant disregard for her time, energy and the works of other students.

Q: Have you ever lied about your age?
A: Yes, twice: once because I was 17 and the drinking age was 18 and once because at the age of 75, I told her I was 74 because I knew she was interested in younger men.

Q: What were Barack and Michelle Obama like before they were famous?
A: Unknown versions of the Barack and Michelle Obama that they became when they got famous.

Q: What is the difference between Ashkenazic and Sephardic Jews?
A: One thousand years, give or take.

Q: What is a harmless lie you regularly tell?
A: I read The Economist cover to cover each week.

Q: What is the strangest experience you’ve had on a flight?
A: The plane took off and landed on time.

Q: My boyfriend refuses to put in the effort to save our relationship and I’m tired of nagging him to do so. Is it time to move on?
A: No. It’s time to stop nagging.

Q: What is the best advice your mother ever gave you?
A: Make sure the shower curtain hangs inside the tub.

These are answers I’d have posted if I didn’t care about my reasonably good reputation as a Quora answerer. Future sections of this type will be infrequent and shorter. -WR

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
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