1407 Auto Bottom Feeders and the Naked Hitchhiker

Suggestion: Merge Fiat and Renault and make one gigantic, monopolistic global manufacturer of clunker cars.

Call it Reniat or Finault.  

This space predicted in 1999 that the “alliance” between Nissan and Renault would drag Nissan down and it has.  Everyone knew what to expect when Fiat bought Chrysler out of bankruptcy:  Your Dodge Dart would suddenly become a Fix It Again Tony special and it has.

“Shipping crap” as Lee Iacocca called it once was the territory dominated if not outright owned by the American manufacturers, although the Brits held a minority stake in bad and still do.

But Detroit’s once lofty position at the bottom of the heap has become a worldwide phenomenon.  In fact these days you’re probably in better shape with a Buick than an Infiniti.

America’s auto industry: Teacher to the World.  A triumph of bad build.

Granted every maker has benefitted from two outside sources as they race down the toilet.

First is the major supplier of air bags, Takata.  The bags can melt.  They can explode.  They can fail to deploy.  And almost everyone gets their bags from Takata.  Even the good guys like Honda and Toyota.

Second is the infotainment technology, developed by the same kind of brilliant minds that gave us things like Windows 8.  Most of these are more distracting than cell phones, CB radios and naked hitchhikers combined.  Not only are they distracting, but largely serve no useful purpose.

When your computer crashes, it’s a glitch. When your infotainment center crashes, it’s a real crash … or can be.

Back to Finault.

The Fiat 500 is generally at the bottom of the reliability ratings.  They’ve now infected the “all new” Chrysler 200 with the same bottom feeder ranking.  It’s like they sat around at the boardroom in Turin to answer the question “We’re pretty bad.  How can we make things worse?”

The Renault-Nissan arrangement is too complicated to unravel, with more moving parts and joint or overlapping and unbalanced percentages than can be untangled.

And this shows that even a supposedly great man can fall victim to the Peter Principle (managers rise to their level of incompetence.)

Carlos Ghosn (pronounced goan; rhymes with phone) is probably the best car guy still employed.  But he’s running the whole Renault Nissan show, flitting from France to Japan so often he may be the world champion Frequent Flyer.  And in his spare time, he’s also chairman of the Russian company AvtoVaz, which makes cars that pretty much look like Renaults instead of the 1929 Packard clones they made until 2008.

Over in Turin, is Fiat’s Sergio Marchionne, no slouch of a car guy either.  But Marchionne doesn’t have those frequent flyer miles.  And he’s running one company, unlike Ghosn who is running something more like the United Nations.

Sweden is down to one brand, Volvo, owned by a company in China.  It started its deterioration under ownership by Ford and continues down the same path today.

Germany has problems of its own. Look at some of the reliability figures for Daimler, Audi, Volkswagen and BMW.  Germans with quality and engineering problems?  

Look out, y’all.  GM is creeping ahead you.  And that company, back from the dead, is driven by (shudder) a girl!

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1406 A Speed Limit to Die For

Okay, please take a seat because you’re not going to believe this when you read it.  And it’s possible you’ll fall over when you do.

All set?

Good.

As of today, the speed limit on the streets of New York has been reduced to 25 miles an hour from 30.

Take some time to finish laughing.

All done?  Good.

Now, when was the last time you managed to go 25, let alone 30?

Right:  It was when you took your spouse, nearly 10-months pregnant, to the maternity ward at 3 on a Monday morning in 1968.  Or when you drove your thoroughly soused husband home to Bayside at about the same time the same number of years ago.

The de Blasio administration wants to reduce pedestrian accidents.  Failing to convince people to not cross in front of oncoming buses, they’ve done the next best thing.

On those rare moments that you can do 30, you’re going to do it.  And that includes times when there is a police cruiser directly behind you.

Granted, there are streets of death in every borough.  But did it ever occur to the Lords of Traffic “Control” to reduce the speed limit on those roads, while leaving the rest alone?

Queens Boulevard.  Flatbush Avenue.  Pelham Parkway.  Places where you actually can take your foot off the brake for 10 or 15 seconds at a time.  That’s where they should be reducing speed.

Even Park Avenue in Midtown or any other really really wide street would make sense, though not between 6am and midnight on weekdays.

You could raise the speed limit to 80 on any side street in Manhattan and it would make no difference.

And that includes even the big ones… 14th, 34th, 42nd, 57th, 72nd, all the way up to 125th.

How about some of the curvaceous streets or the ones that make odd bends or go off into unexpected directions?

Trying to save the lives of unwitting bus magnet pedestrians makes perfect sense, even if for no other reason that accidents slow things at street level.  But lowering the speed limit on practically any road in the five boroughs doesn’t.

Note, this does not affect the highways.

But it’s almost as dumb as minimum speed limits on the Long Island Expressway.  “Minimum Speed 40 MPH,” the signs say.  They could write them in tiny type because chances are you’ll be stalled next to one long enough to read it thoroughly.  Maybe even twice.

Shrapnel:

--There are 13-thousand signaled intersections in New York City.  Many of them have timed traffic lights which theoretically -- and even sometimes even actually -- allow you to travel the avenues without stopping.  The new speed limit will mean they’ll have to reprogram all the lights and you can bet that’s not going to be done in any kind of a hurry.

--The timed lights work for you at the speed limit.  They work at double the speed limit.  But do they work at half?

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1405 Election Premortem

The challenge today is simple:  write a credible post on the 2014 midterm elections hours before the polls close.

Well… we were able to do that with space shuttle launches… guarding against delays by speaking weasel phrases while the video showed the rocket either launching or in a “hold,” kind of like a time out in football.

We were able to do it with funerals simply by not starting with “Funeral services are underway for ....” or “Funeral services were held today for…”

So why not the election, if we don’t call the winners.

Chances are we won’t have full results right away what with the closeness of some races and the hanging chad crowd.  But be advised all of the Supreme Court justices are on standby in case there’s an emergency in which a Democrat (other than Andrew Cuomo) wins anything but an uncontested seat for dogcatcher in East Acne, Idaho.

Serving in Congress, of course, has a term limit, starting with the first day in office and ending in death.  No member of congress’ term has expired, at least not yet.

On to governors and senators.

The big questions this year include what is the IQ of the average voter in Kansas where Gov. Sam “I never met a tax I couldn’t cut” Brownback has put the state to sleep on the steps of bankruptcy court.  Would you buy a junk bond from this guy? Yeah, probably.

Another big question is about the IQ of the average voter in Kentucky, where a win for Mitch McConnell  elevates him to Senate Majority leader, sparking a tea party rebellion that could enrich the already debilitating years-long paralysis.  The solution, of course, would be for them to ditch Mitch.

New York’s Cuomo shot himself in the foot by creating an ethics investigating body and then killing it when it got a search warrant for his closet.  Fortunately for Cuomo, and maybe even for the state, his opponent is a zero.

Now, let’s move to the below zero types:  

--As a teen, Pennsylvania’s governor Tom Corbett was hit squarely on the head by a falling nine pound dead groundhog and suffered irreparable brain damage.  Ordinarily this would make one disqualified for any work outside a sheltered workshop.  Fortunately, the state capital is a sheltered workshop.  But due to funding cuts, Tom’s wing has closed.  (The groundhog was bronzed and lives on a pedestal in the Great Rotunda of the capitol building in Harrisburg.

--Senator Mark Udall, campaigning heavily on women’s issues, apparently is learning the hard way that while women are interested in such things as reproductive rights, breast cancer, education and the welfare of children, they are, astonishingly, also interested in such arcane and traditionally masculine issues as foreign policy, budget, oil pipelines, global warming and legal pot.

--New Hampshire has decided between a failed carpetbagger from Massachusetts and an aging but native born incumbent woman Senator whose main offense is voting with President Obama.  When you think about carpetbaggers, you think Connecticut’s Jim Buckley in New York, Massachusetts’ Robert Kennedy in New York and Arkansas and Illinois’ Hillary Rodham Inevitable in New York.  Two out of three weren’t terrible.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1404 Some Weekend Calling

Back in the day, The Phone Company used to advertise that “night and Sunday rates are lower.”

Well, they aren’t anymore but still, weekends can be a good time to do some business.  Maybe shorter wait times.

Maybe not.

So let’s try to renew a prescription.

Caremark is getting worried. It sent a note that said so. “Your prescription renewal is overdue!”  So, call what has become CVS Caremark.

Worried about a customer’s health?  Nah. Worried they haven’t been overpaid in three and a half months.

This requires having your 52 digit membership number handy.  And don’t forget the pound sign.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize the number” says the talking phone tree. “Please try again.”

Knowing they can’t remember all 52 digits at a time … plus the pound sign, it’s time to punch “zero.”

Remember, phone traffic is lower on the weekends.

“We are experiencing higher than usual phone traffic.  Expect delays…”

Punch zero again. “All of our operators are busy (napping?) Your call will be answered in the order it was received.  Or you can reach us more quickly at our website…”

Twenty minutes, and the operator comes on.  Wants the membership number.  (Please read it slowly) and then the prescription number.  And then the address.  And then the last four digits of your “social.”  No operator calls it “Social Security” anymore.

The operator then reads three different shipping options.  Everyone opts for the free one.

“We have a credit card on file for you. Please tell me the last four digits and the expiration date.”  The last four digits are committed to memory.  But not the expiration date.

Dig it out.

“Oh, and the special security code on the back.”

Half an hour to renew a prescription.

Maybe we’ll have less trouble with the bank.  

Why call the bank?  Because it is the first of the month and the direct deposit pension check is supposed to be there and it isn’t.

The unpaid bill collectors will not be sympathetic, so let’s see if we can get MiniMegabank to do something, like putting the expected pittance into the account… especially since the fake check “for your records” is in hand and it says the pay date is November 1, 2014.

Account number entered.  Higher than usual call volume.  Please wait or visit our website at (static) (static) (static) dot.com.

Finally an operator.  He says our policy is to credit business deposits on the next business day which is this coming Monday, 11/3 and you should see it on the website by Tuesday morning at the latest.

Discover card does not want to wait.  The “advice of payment” says the pension check is due for deposit today. Does MiniMegabank forgive unpaid mortgage bills due on a Saturday?  Nope.

But the Fed won’t let us.  

The Fed doesn’t care.  But if it did, which is the right reason, your policy or theirs?

Okay, okay, we don’t register the deposits unless the customer calls us.

“Well, I’m calling you.”

You’ll see it by Tuesday at the latest. Click.

But a couple of hours later, it turns up in the available funds column on the website.

Dear MiniMegabank:  I hope you die a horrible death, the FDIC shuts you down and a REAL megabank takes you over.  At least they answer their phones by the 540th ring.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1403 Talking to your Car

It’s 7:45 in the morning.  You’re on the highway crawling along to work as you have for all those years. You know where all the slow spots are.  You know where you can get up to maybe 30 on the 55 mph road.

But your George Orwell endorsed telescreen is trying to feed you 67 alternate routes.  You know all those alternatives because you’ve been driving this route since 1977.  They’re even worse than the highway.

Long ago, you learned that no matter the traffic and no matter the weather, the quickest trip is on the highway.

The telescreen tells you “Get off at exit 23 and make a right turn onto Parsons Boulevard.”  You know better. You pass exit 23.  The screen tells you “you missed the exit. Go two miles to…”  You know the next exit is going to be terrible. So you ignore the telescreen.

To do this, you push an on-screen button and nothing happens.  A few seconds later you hear “Say a command” and you command thus:  “Turn on WINS.”  The screen talks back: “There is no wine shop in the immediate vicinity.  Say a command.”

You want to hear the news and say “turn on the radio.”  The radio comes on and it’s playing the Polka Channel.

You push the on screen button again.  “Say a command.”  You say “switch to 1010 WINS.” Screen tells you “no team wins 10-10 that is a tie.”

You hunt for the “mute” button and can’t find it.  But you’re about to hit the bumper of the car ahead of you.

It took GM ten years to recall cars it should have recalled ten years ago.  It’s going to take at least that long to recall the inept telescreens that want to send you from the Long Island Expressway to Parsons Boulevard in hopes that you can make it to work before lunch.

Meantime, it’s time to pull the plug on these not-ready-for-drive time telescreens.

“Say a command.” “Turn on the air conditioner.”  “Did you mean ‘call the airport?’”

The telescreen is only trying to help.  Treat it kindly. It’s your friend.

“Say a command.”

“Go (censored) yourself.”

“There are no houses of ill repute in your area.  Would you like to see a movie?”

Shrapnel:

--The political call of a lifetime arrived about a month ago when a campaign worker asked if he could be sure that his guy gets my vote.  Yes. “Okay thanks, we won’t bother you again,” and so far they haven’t.

--GM to Chevy exec Rikk Wilde whose bumbling speech at the final game of the World Series drew laughs nationwide: “You get to keep your job…” Wilde lost his place in the little talk presenting a truck to the MVP.  Chevy now plans to use his line “we have good technology and … stuff” in its truck ads.  Wilde is one clunker GM is not going to recall.

--Remembering Emma McClain of New York, NY and Americus, GA.  She predicted she’d live to 101.  Unfortunately for the rest of us she didn’t make it, but had she, today would be the day.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com or click on “voice command.”

© WJR 2014

1402 The Election 2014

If you watch enough TV cop shows, you know by now that one of the big catch phrases is “there are no coincidences.”

If there are two dead bodies, one M.O. in the same neighborhood at around the same time, chances are there’s only one perp.

The TV Cops should give lessons to the real-life politicians, who would then stop insulting our intelligence with both word and deed.

Political coincidences are a little less cut and dried. But only a little.

Is it a mere coincidence that the amount of highway construction ramps up during the summer before election?

Is it a mere coincidence that the price of gasoline falls all the way down to outrageous just before election day.

Look at the pump! What was $3.59 or even $3.79 a week or two ago now is $3.19.

A miracle! A downright miracle.

It’s hard to say how an office seeker might force ExxonMobil and others to cut their prices, if only temporarily.

But put nothing between an office seeker and the electorate around election day. If there’s a way to do it, these inventive men and women will have figured it out and done it.

It’s surprising that there isn’t a way to make abortion laws both more and less restrictive at the same time.

It’s hard to believe no one’s yet figured out a way to continue and end the various wars at the same time.

It’s astonishing to notice that no one has been able to control the price of prescription drugs and maintain a free market in the price of drugs at the same time.

It’s not so hard to believe that they’ve figured out a way to make taxes go both up and down at the same time.

How?

Easy. Cut federal taxes.

Then, to make up the shortfall, everyone gets a new and higher bill from the city or the county or the school district or the state or all of the above.

The good news for most of us is that when the election is over, all this stuff will go away, or at least leave our immediate consciousness.

The major political parties are two giant corporations. They’re like the auto companies: essentially, they’re all selling a frame, a body, four wheels and an engine.

They may be incrementally different, but essentially, they’re the same frame, body, wheels and motor.

And look what’s happened to the car companies after 80 or 90 years of that nonsense.

Maybe it’s time for the Republicans and Democrats to file for Chapter Eleven.

But not until the roads are all smooth and the price of gasoline hits $1.99.

The office seekers think that we think they walk on water (or on gasoline.)

Got a match?

Shrapnel:

--New York’s infamous Rikers Island has lost three high ranking officials, fired only months after their appointment.  It’s part of the city’s effort to calm things in the most violent sections.  Next step from the brilliant mayor: no-violence zones… sure to cure all that ails Rikers.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

©WJR 2014 (Self plagiarized in part from a similar set of thoughts in  2005.)

1401 An Opera Lesson from Spike Jones

Bizet’s “Carmen” worked in a cigarette factory.

When the comedy bandleader Spike Jones recorded parody of the opera, he portrayed her as a worker in a chewing gum factory.  Too bad the Australians didn’t seem to know how to make that switch.

When a sponsor objected, the Western Australia Opera Company crossed “Carmen” off this season’s schedule.

The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper reports that the opera company didn’t want to lose a two year, half million dollar sponsorship from the government agency “Healthway” which “promotes healthy living.”

Half a mil AU is worth $620,000 US.

The three largest tobacco companies in Australia divvy up 97% of the market.  They share combined revenue of close to three billion dollars. You’d think among the members of this trio, there’d be a few spare bucks lying around.

But no.  Tobacco companies are cowed.  And Carmen of “Carmen” is a chain smoker. Can’t have that!  

Does the singer/actress actually smoke on stage or does she just pretend.  Usually the latter. Guess it doesn’t matter.

As opera goes, “Carmen” is kind of mid-to-low girl on the ladder. It’s not Wagner or Verdi or any of the other really big guns.  

Take one step down and you’re standing on Gilbert and Sullivan.  One lower are Rogers and Hammerstein or Lerner and Lowe.  One more and you’re down with with Leonard Bernstein and Tupac.

Still, Carmen is part of the “standard” opera repertoire and deserves to be performed as written.  Even if Australia counts 15-thousand smoking deaths a year, which it does.

Of course the Smoking Police list every death of a smoker a “smoking death” even if the deceased is hit by a bus and lands on a stray Marlboro box.

Once again, we are tricked into false equivalencies  on the twin paths of illusion and reality.

Reality: Smoking kills a lot of people, and probably people shouldn’t smoke.

Myth:  Opera featuring smoking doesn’t hurt anyone.  Of course, the occasional patron of the arts can get bored to death.

And while we’re at it… Carmen’s a light story -- no pun intended.  There are plenty of operas about death: La Traviata, Madam Butterfly, and much more recently in the disgraceful “Death of Klinghoffer.”

Should we ban drama about tuberculosis, knives and cruise ships?

Chances are bandleader Jones changed cigarettes to chewing gum because chewing gum is funnier than smoking.

Carmen’s been smoking since March 3, 1875, more than 139 years.  And she ain’t been sick a day in her life.  But at her age, she better be careful about crossing the street in front of buses.

Shrapnel:

--Politics strikes science again.  Governors Cuomo and Christie of New York and New Jersey impose strict quarantines for people without symptoms but who may have  been exposed to Ebola.  A nurse in  isolation threatened to sue.  So now, at least in New York, the quarantines take place at home instead of in a tent with only a phone and a porta potty.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014