WestraDamus the Non-Prophet has temporarily emerged from his
retirement to help school children carry on a rite of passage: cutting class
and missing homework.
High tech schooling requires high tech
countermeasures. Here are some excuses for absence or failure to complete
assignments.
The dog ate my iPad.
If your dog is a Yorkie a Dachshund or Chihuahua, substitute
"The dog got trapped under the lid of my Chromebook and I couldn't get him
out.
I depend on Sprint. This excuse evaporates as soon as
T-Mobile fully absorbs Sprint, which it recently acquired.
I depend on ConEd (or PE&G or Duke Energy or whoever supplies
your electricity.) Chances are your teacher lives in the same town you do and
had the same problem. If the average income in your community is more
than $35,000, chances are the teacher does not live in your town.
Alexa, Siri and Cortana got into a fight and the only way to
break it up was to shut down the computer.
When I was trying to zoom with you, I was zooming 70 in a 45
zone and the cop pulled me over. This is only good if you are old enough
to have a license to drive.
Someone set the house on fire. The cops think it was
me. There are no computers in the county jail. But I’m out on bail now.
I got into a food fight in the cafeteria (AKA my kitchen)
and I was serving detention in the basement. (Helps if you're not home alone
during school hours.)
A grandparent died (only useful on four different occasions.)
I was helping my younger brother or sister with homework and
lost track of the time. (Helps if you have a younger sibling.)
Forge a Doctor’s note saying you had a high temperature.
Forge a parent note that said you had a high temperature and had
to go to the doctor.
Write a self-excuse note that starts “I am writing from my
hospital bed…”
If you know what a radio is, see if there’s one in your
house. Before resuming class, place it near your computer but out of view of
your video cam. Turn it on. It will screw up your connection but not to the
point of total incoherence.
Volunteer to clean up the cafeteria (remember,
that’s your kitchen.)
Sometimes this works: I did that assignment, but
my computer was hacked so I had to take it to the repair shop. (Iffy, this one.
If your computer is out for repair how are you able to tell the teacher you can
compute?
Suggested defense of the above: Log in from an
internet cafe or maybe one at the funeral home where your dead grandparent(s)
lives will be celebrated.
QUESTIONS:
Can I use FedEx or UPS to deliver my mail-in
vote?
Where is the Postmaster General stashing the
decommissioned mail sorting machines?
Can we break in, steal them and return them to
the big post offices?
Will trump wear a mask when he votes at the
polling place nearest his office building on 5th Avenue?
Will he stay six feet from the person in front
and the person in back?
If he doesn’t, how will the Secret Service
protect him?
Will the Moote Pointe Teachers Union picket
WestraDamuses’s house?
Or members of the American Kennel Club?
Or Petco?
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but
you’re welcome to them. ®
Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2020
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