1512 Buckle Up for a Bumpy Ride

Old joke:  Guy walks up to the airport ticket counter, asks for a ticket to Los Angeles but “send my luggage to Toronto, Baltimore and Atlanta.

Ticket clerk: “Oh, we can’t do that, sir!” Reply: “Why not? You did it last month.”

There’s nothing funny about air travel anymore. Not since they swapped out the chairs for Graco “My Ride” kiddie car seats only with less padding and reconfigured the leg room to suit the comfort of no one taller than 4’9”.

Not since fuel costs fell 40% leading to an almost equal percentage rise in ticket prices.  Not since they figured out they could charge you extra for stuff that used to be free… like when the oxygen masks come down during turbulence. Not since it became cheaper to send your luggage ahead via UPS than to check it into the cargo hold.

Sooner or later they’re going to find a way to cram 1200 passengers into a standard size Dreamliner.  Oh, and reduce the crew size from 15 to eight.

Deregulation was supposed to increase competition, lower prices and boost on-time performance.  But what it did was reduce the number of operating major airlines from about ten to the present four.

It would be fun to blame this on Reagan.  Fun, but inaccurate. It wasn’t Reagan, it was Carter.

(Nixon briefly considered breaking up IBM, but learned from the chaos, service declines and price increases brought on by the dissolution of the Bell System and changed his mind.)

So, four airlines.  Four thousand destinations.  40-thousand variations in ticket price.  Brilliant.

Are they doing this by having their CEOs combine in a golf foursome using fake I.D., then deciding how to next further the causes of rising prices, lagging service and crowding?

There’s good reason to believe something like that happens.  But probably it doesn’t.  Lockstep is so ingrained in the airline culture they don’t have to conspire.

You recall that when, say, United raised or cut fares from New York to Chicago, so did everyone else.  Usually within hours.

The feds will investigate all this.  They probably won’t find any false-name foursomes.  They’ll report a clean bill of health and no evidence of a conspiracy.

And the airlines will continue with their sorry chant:

We lost megabucks in the 90s.

Shareholder value. Shareholder value.

We’re making up for it now.

Executive compensation. Executive compensation.

Meantime, if you’re average height or higher… if you’re average width or wider... If you’ve checked your luggage and failed to bring your own cardboard meal and are facing time pressure… fasten your seatbelt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Grapeshot:

-Business class is a little better than steerage, but only a little.

-First class remains more or less okay, but you have to take out a second mortgage to buy the ticket.

-Is it kosher to tip the Skycap with Swiffer coupons?

-The longest distance between two points: the terminals at Dulles/Washington (also winner of the worst customer service in America.)

-The shortest distance between two points that takes the longest to traverse: A mid-cabin seat with 100 people ahead of you struggling to get their stuff out of the overhead bin.

-The shortest distance between two points that starts on land and ends in water: A tie between the diving board at the YMCA and any runway at LaGuardia.

-The scariest thing you can hear at an airport: the paging system calling your name.

-The biggest lie you can hear at the airport: Flight 2308 will be delayed, but only a few minutes, while we wait for the plane to come in from Colorado Springs.

-Biggest lie you can read at Miami International Airport: Hablamos Ingles.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1511 Never on Sunday

1511 Never on Sunday

A famous movie about a hooker in Athens with a theme song that has become part of the Great American Songbook.  The song won the Academy Award, and so did the lead actress, Melina Mercouri.

But this is hardly a tribute to the great contributions of ancient and modern Greeks from Aristotle to Zorba.

Where does current prime minister Alexis Tsipras sit on that scale?  It remains to be seen.  But given his circumstances it’s a wonder he’s anywhere on it at all.

The European Union’s gnomes of Frankfurt and Brussels are asking for the moon.  And early Monday morning, they got it. Sort of. Greece does not have a moon to give.  And the local banks there… major lenders, know that but pretend they don’t.

So let’s get some nonsense out of the way:

--Yes, Greece didn’t watch its borrowing or its credit rating.

--Yes, its pension and welfare system is generous to a fault.

A friend recently asked why should other countries be forced to pay for the (alleged) sins of Greece?  The answer lies in three basic ideas:  

1. Europe is an emerging nation acting much in the same way the US acted in its pre constitutional days.
2. As an emerging nation it has yet to realize that rich states here kick in to help poor states.  New York gets back less than it gives so Texas and Alabama can survive.  We have learned to accept and sometimes embrace this.
3. When Greece abandoned the Drachma for the Euro, it gave up control of its own finances and now is being forced against its will and its ability to solve its own crisis.

You can’t have it both ways.  If the EU is made of autonomous states than each state should have and be able to set value of its own currency.  If the EU is truly a “union” then there is no question that the Big Boys -- Germany and the UK primarily and France, sort of -- have to help out without imposing the kinds of restrictions that will kill Greek commerce and then what’s left of its employment.

So, never on Sunday may apply to Greek streetwalkers, but it can’t apply to the leaders in Athens.

Grapeshot:

--The only version of Never on Sunday with Mercouri is in Greek, and too long to post… but you can find many another version on YouTube, though most of them are corny and lack soul.

Shrapnel:

--It’s the calm before the storm.  Microsoft is about to release a new version of its operating system.  PC sales are down while buyers await the debut so they can rush out and buy the latest in a seemingly endless parade of false promise and bungle.

--Mac fans will advise us all to trash our PCs and buy the ever-so-much cooler (and infinitely more expensive)  Apple computers.  Apple is one big sales pitch for itself and its biggest selling point is that it’s not Microsoft.  Owning one is like succumbing to someone saying “Here, light up.  All the cool kids smoke,” only slightly less dangerous.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1510 How to Pick a Checkout Line

1510  How to Pick a Checkout Line

It’s easy, and most of the time it works. But you have to keep your eyes open.

Skip:

--Lines where the register pilot is a fast moving male.  The fast moves usually are motion, not action.

--Lines where the pilot is deeply engrossed in conversation with a customer or coworker. They are not paying attention to you.

--Lines where making the payment takes longer than running all the stuff through the scanner.

--Lines where “cashier in training” signs are posted.

--Lines where couples are arguing.

--Lines where a parent -- or worse, two parents -- are trying to control multiple hyperactive children.

--Express lines where people have carts obviously filled to over the posted limit.

--Self checkout lines.  They should be but are not ready for prime time.  (More about this later.)

--Lines with over-smiley register pilots. They’re worse than those conversation holders above because every customer, not just coworkers and friends, are a cause for celebration.

--Lines run by managers.  Most are out of practice.

--Lines where the pilot treats people's’ stuff like basketballs even if they sink layups from three feet every time.

--Lines with pilots out of uniform. They’re new and aren’t yet fully trained.  And they forgot to post their “in training” signs.

Seek:

--Line pilots who look like grandma.  They’re serious and steady workers, they know the item numbers of the unlabeled stuff you’re buying and want to get you home in time for dinner. (Which for them means no later than 4 PM.)

--Pilots who double bag, especially at places that use the recycled plastic which tears at the slightest provocation including sharp corners on an item or a sharp look.

--Pilots who you like to look at. At least you’ll be amused and/or distracted when waiting forever to get it over with.

Other points:

The length of the line is not a leading indicator of its speed.

Learn when shifts change and don’t be there immediately before or after.

The register printer is likely to jam or run out of register tape in the middle of your transaction.  Mentally accommodate for this in advance because there’s no way to avoid it.

Carry a paper towel.  The scanner hasn’t been cleaned since forever and is going to balk.  You can help by providing the means to wipe the gunk from it.

Remember the security code for your debit card.

Now, about those self checkout lines.  Stores use them to save on salaries and benefits.  The IRS considers them capital improvements and allows them as deductions.  And if there’s anything you don’t want to be responsible for it’s improving MegaMart’s bottom line.

When you use a self checkout, you are depriving someone of wages and benefits, such as there are left of them.

Unless you’re a pro, it’s going to take you longer because

--The scanner is dirty (remember the paper towel rule.)

--You are a klutz at using the machinery even if you’ve done it for years.

--You pack less efficiently than the register pilot who weighs 350 pounds, can hardly breathe, holds conversations and doesn’t look like grandma.

--You have to search for your change or your receipt.

--Your paper money is wrinkled and therefore rejected.

--You will insert paper money in a direction the money changer doesn’t understand and have to fight for your constitutional right to put money in a vending machine.

--The scale under the bagging area does not register properly (did you even know about those scales? They match the item you scan with its estimated weight.)

--The machine shows you millions of pictures of items and you have to scroll through all of them if you’ve inadvertently picked up an item without a bar code.

A little thought, a little planning and a little observation can get you through the dark moments of checkout faster than you ever have.  Which still isn’t fast.  But it’s something.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1509 The Land of Cotton

1509 The Land of Cotton

It was Carl Sandburg who said the Civil War was about one word: “is.”

Sounds like Bill Clinton. But much more… poetic. What Sandburg meant was that before the war you said “the United States are…” a country but after, you had to say “the United States is.”

Maybe the war that officially ended in 1865 -- that’s 150 years ago! -- may at last be winding down.  But don’t hold your breath.

“I wish I was (sic) in the land of cotton

Old times there are not forgotten…”

No, old times there are not forgotten.  Those good old days when people “knew their place.”  And some even had their very own public restrooms, water fountains and hotels.  And for those, the minimum wage was zero dollars and zero cents an hour.

The man credited or blamed for the words and music, Daniel Emmett, was writing from the viewpoint of the white southern ladies and gentlemen of the mid 1800s. And where in Dixie was he from?  Knox County. Ohio. That’s northeast of Columbus and southwest of Cleveland.  The old south? Hardly.

A song that celebrates slavery.  From an Ohio yankee.

Perfect aural backdrop to the flag that celebrates slavery, designed by William Tappan Thompson.  Tappan owned a newspaper in Georgia but was also was born in that stronghold of southern culture, Ohio.

Good we got that all cleared up.  The two most important symbols of that era of southern culture were created by northerners.

Only in America.

So the flag may or may not come down in places it never belonged.  But don’t worry, reenactors, civil war buffs and white supremacists, the battle flag will still fly bravely in the hearts of millions.

We Americans are said to be the least likely to fall in love with symbols.  And to an extent, that’s true.  Terrorists demolish the World Trade Center… a tragedy, a terrible loss of life.  But as a symbol of US commerce, the buildings themselves didn’t mean all that much.  We rebuilt.  Stuck a replacement symbol down the throats of our enemies. Only lower.

The Confederate “battle” flag, as that schmatta now is more widely known, won’t go down as easily.

A friend suggests it’s a flag of losers.  And it is.  And treasonists.

Shrapnel:

--The Civil War gave us more disease than slavery and the flag. Up until the mid 1800s, almost no one owned a firearm but this was the war that started us on the road to the troubles we face today. It started our most dangerous fettish, the remote control death machine.

--Europe’s current civil war is more civil than ours was and more lopsided.  This time, it’s most of the Eurozone on one side and Greece on the other.  This one will not end well either.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1508 The BYO Phonebooth

You remember phone booths, right?  Of course you do. You’d slide in, close the door, sit down, put coins in the telephone and make your call.

This organ of commerce began to whither a long time ago. First it was replaced by those doorless, little things that look like waist-high  bus shelters and are guardians against both privacy and noise. And now, with cellphones, even these half baked organs are all but vestigial.

So here’s the bright-idea-of-the-month:  restore phone booths, only leave the phones out.

You bring your own.  A dime for three minutes of privacy and relative quiet… or just a private space to sit down.  Six minutes for 20 cents.  Or a bulk use nine minutes for a quarter.

Americans are no strangers to “bring your own.” Potluck suppers, wine or liquor to restaurants without liquor sales licenses and so on.

We pump our own gas, wash our own cars.  Some of us dust other people’s furniture when they’re not looking.  We self medicate.  We self sacrifice. We self indulge.  

So bringing one’s own cellphone to a phone booth is no big stretch.  Plus we know in advance that the phone we’re carrying works. (Don’t use the pay booth if you’re not getting at least two bars of signal.  Three is better.  No one gets four anymore, not even when you’re standing under a cell tower.)

You rent an apartment. You may rent a car.  Or a parking space. Or a summer bungalow. Or a dorm room. So why not a phone booth.

This never will be the big money business that telephone booths with telephones were.  But the maintenance costs will be lower. And they’re less likely to be broken into, especially if you are allowed to use a credit or debit card… maybe even a metro card.

Coins would be best, though.  They don’t need an internet connection of (perish forbid!) a phone line to register and verify your card number.)

Plus these days there’s nothing interesting on street corners but coffee and pretzel wagons.  So once again, you will be able to ask a stranger “hey, buddy, can you spare a dime for a phone call?”

If he says yes, hit him up for a buck so you’ll have a cup of coffee when you make your call.

Shrapnel:

--In a commercial for “Inventhelp,” George Foreman tells his friends who ask about their new ideas where to get help.  Nice pitch from a lovable guy.  But is George likely the first person you’d ask when you invented something?

--The only thing Foreman invented was himself.  Once a brutally mean and angry pugilist, George has become a living symbol of good low fat living and that dodo invention company.  Just don’t look at his waistline.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1507 The Ten Dollar Woman

Picturing only dead people on money used to be tradition.  But somewhere along the line it became law.  This means there are all kinds of important people who can’t be considered when we finally feminize the ten spot.

Among them:

--Kim Kardashian.  What’s more American than drooling over some mindless, talent-challenged tricked out celebrity?

--Condoleezza Rice.  Smart enough to get out of politics while the getting was good.

--Billie Jean King: Great athlete, good human being, activist for women’s rights and gay.  Two birds with one stone.  Same as

--Rachel Dolezal:  Not only a woman, but a white masquerading as black.  One and a half birds with one stone.

--Oprah.  She made reading cool for many who never would otherwise have picked up a book.

Of course, the faces on currency are supposed to reflect who we are.  Of those above, only Kardashian meets that threshold.

So let’s consider some important dead women:

--Sacajawea.  She flopped as a coin.  Too heavy. But America is, after all, the land of second chances.

--Susan B. Anthony.  Ditto.

--Aimee Semple McPherson.  Now there’s someone who represents us. Powerful, devout. Overweight.  Oh, wait. She fooled around with guys not her husband.  Oh wait again… so what.  And her Canadian birth doesn’t disqualify her.

--Jackie Kennedy.

--Marilyn Monroe.

--Rosa Parks. Her aching feet changed America for the better.

--Rosie the Riveter. The pinup girl who won the last important war.

--Marie Curie.

--Eleanor Roosevelt.

Whoever gets the honor has to share it with Alexander Hamilton.  Alex gets to stay with the ten, but in a diminished role.  Kind of like getting demoted from the Nightly News to the cable network.

But Hamilton’s continued presence on the ten could cause tongues to wag.  It has to be made clear that he and the woman in the picture are nothing more than “just good friends.”

Then there’s this:  There are seven denominations of notes.  (The government no longer prints any bills above $100, though there are plenty in the hands of collectors and some remain in circulation.)

So eight portraits on current money (including Hamilton’s upcoming diminished capacity) and only one is a woman.  That means women are featured on only 12.5% of the currency.

If you don’t count Hamilton (no one thinks he’s going to last, anyway but he has to be allowed to work out his contract) it rises to 14.29%.  Still not terribly representative.

Someone else, someone with some clout is sure to notice and publicize that inequality!

So all of this is a fine academic discussion.  What’s different about the $10 bill is -- no matter whose picture is on it -- it ain’t worth what it should be.

Grapeshot:

-This is not meant to be a list of all the important women in American history so if your candidate isn’t on it, calm down.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1506 Chris Christie's Weight Problem

It’s not his rotunditude, his suit size or whether he breaks a common bathroom scale by simply standing on it.  For all his size and girth, the man is a flyweight.  And a bully.  And just another political hack, but with a good gimmick.

The famously “moderate” Republican governor of New Jersey is no moderate.  And no President.  And possibly the only New Jerseyan on earth who figured no one would notice manufactured traffic jams at the Fort Lee side of the George Washington Bridge.

(It’s not an entrance, people. It’s an exit. Ordinarily impatient New York area drivers are waiting on US-80 to flee Jersey, and while still ill tempered, they’re tough and determined, and thus more patient than one would expect.)

We like a little swagger in our Presidents.  But just a little.  And while Chris brings off the imitation of a 14 year old high schooler better than some other candidates have, his shtick remains an imitation of a 14 year old high schooler.

We like our candidates to get around.  But Chris has spent maybe half of his second term traveling.  Raising money for his party, showing his face in places where they endorse candidates relatively early. That’s too much time.

It’s okay that he likes the Dallas Cowboys and attended a game on someone else’s dime.  But when was the last time you saw him at a Jets game in East Rutherford?

Oh… and of course that Dallas visit has nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to do with the team’s owner getting a lush contract with the Port Authority, the bi-state agency controlled from Trenton and Albany.

Like the other cartoon candidates (you know who you are!) Christie is relying on bluster and blindness (his own and others’) to win friends and influence voters.

And we love bullies as long as it’s not OUR lunch he’s demanding at the point of a baseball bat.  But times are tough in New Jersey.  So Christie wants to expand the schoolyard to all 50 states.

But he’s a moderate, you say.  A moderate bully is someone who steals only half your sandwich. Oh, and the apple.

But this is a guy who thinks he can eliminate the competition by sitting in their laps.  The surprise? He has no weight to throw around.

You want a big man in the White House?  Fine. Write in Hulk Hogan or Fats Domino.  Because underneath all those acres of skin and chins, is a small man with a big mouth and a lot of hot air.

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Shrapnel:

--Here’s to Ed Baer, New York’s most frequently frequented fill-in disc jockey who has finally decided to retire after about 80 million programs on practically every radio station you can think of.  He even had a full time job (WHUD) for about 30 years. And everyone who knows him says the nice guy (or Good Guy since he was one of those on WMCA) he’s played on the air for all this time is the real Ed.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015