1745 All News is Fake News

1745 All News is Fake News

Retired New York Daily Mirror Science Editor Merton D. Hasenpfeffer is widely credited with starting the Global Warming hoax.

Here’s the secret oath we newspeople all take before receiving our destructo buttons:

“I _____ ____ do solemnly swear to uphold this Newspersons’ creed.  I will to the best of my ability lie, cheat, steal, accept bribes and write what my masters tell me to.

“I will do my best to withhold important news and/or trivialize it.  I will do my best to bring my inherent dishonesty and laziness to full flower.

“And I will do my best to write or speak it in terms to confuse and befuddle, so help me God.”

So you see the rites of the journocult are now in plain sight and it’s likely your correspondent will have to go into hiding to avoid contract underworld hitmen, government death squads and the issuers of fatwas.

But no one will report that.

Omitting stories takes no energy.  CNN barely mentioned Meryl Streep between red carpet shots at the Golden Globes.

We do our best work when we simply invent events.

Here are some examples:

The Holocaust and the bombing of London. It’s been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Jews left Germany, Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Poland, etc. voluntarily.  Those trains didn’t go to death camps. They went to Paris.

Edward R. Murrow wasn’t speaking from a London rooftop. He was on the air from Studio 5 at CBS headquarters on Madison Avenue.

Hiroshima/Nagasaki:  Anyone actually see the mushroom clouds?  No, of course not.

North Korea: China annexed the northern half of Korea in 1951.  The war?  What war?

The Castro Revolution: Never happened.  The Miami Herald in cahoots with Meyer Lanski dreamed it up. Castro was just a figurehead so that Lucky Luciano could keep a low profile.

Moon Landing:  Faked and you know it.

Watergate: Hmmm. That might have been real although information has come out to hint that Spiro Agnew set it up.

The Affordable Care Act: You can keep your doctor?  Affordable?

The end of organized crime: New York’s “Five Families” lost a little weight but retain their grip on the waterfront.

The Kardashians: Invented whole cloth by OJ Simpson’s fake “Dream Team.”  Johnny Cochran was doing real estate transactions and divorce cases from 1980 until the time he faked his death in 2005. Dershowitz had an ambulance scanner in his 1985 Datsun and Robert Shapiro was getting ready to launch Legal Zoom and appeared in court only on alternate Wednesdays.

All along you thought this stuff was true.  Fool you once, shame on you. Fool you a thousand times, still shame on you.  We’re just doing our job.

There are three areas of coverage that deserve special mention:

1. Weather. Weather forecasts routinely predict conditions that either don’t develop or develop later than they’re supposed to.  Do you think that’s an accident? Think again.  The forecasters are just showing off their spiffy new graphics.  No one can do anything about the weather.
2. Sports: with interest flagging in football and baseball games lasting forever, sports reporters have to do something to justify their existence. Hence we get fake stories about football injuries and steroid use in major league baseball.  Pishposh.  We make it all up.

3. Technology:  the saddest part of reporting on technology is that the geeks who report on it are ripe for payoffs but so enthralled with their subject that they’ll do the sugar coated stories without so much as a free cup of coffee.

There.  It’s all out.  Now you know that all news is illusion and that we do it on purpose. To us newsies, every day is April Fool’s.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1744 Sloan's Big Idea

When Alfred Sloan of GM invented planned obsolescence, he understood that "upgrades" were a crap shoot.  The public would decide whether it was worth trading in their 1947 Pontiacs for the "new, improved" 1948 Pontiacs.  Sloan bet they would want to and he was right for the most part.

In this age, crap shoots are reserved for casinos including the various financial markets.  But planned obsolescence was no longer adequate and enforced obsolescence took its place.

The shine of newness has dulled.  But the need to sell stuff has not diminished.  So now rather than entice you, companies force you to buy new stuff.  

Hence a perfectly good computer operating system like Windows XP was costing Microsoft multi millions of dollars each year as people decided there was no reason to "upgrade."

Plausible deniability.  New systems added actual improvements to some computer functions. And always with forced marched you to buy new gizmos to because your old ones no longer worked with the new software.

You “upgraded” to Vista which should have been called “Dizasta” and then to WIN7 which actually was better.  So much so that when WIN8 appeared you could still specify the much better “7” and you had to pay extra for the “downgrade.”  Eight was worse than “Dizasta” to the point where Microsoft distanced itself by skipping 9 and going directly to ten, which everyone says is “7” in a better dress.

It’s not just cars and computer operating systems. Almost everything is subject to planned obsolescence.

The makers of Gibson guitars were in love with the word “advanced.”  Basically, here’s what happened:  they came out with a new model.  When sales slowed, they made a slightly bigger version and called it “advanced.”  They had more “advanced” stuff than a Monopoly game.  That extra inch?  Not much of an advancement.  But they sold a lot of wood that way.

What is the difference between an MP3 and an MP4?  One. And not much else.

Can you see the “improvement” of a Blu Ray disc over a DVD?  Do you get better care than you used to from Northwell Health than you did when it was merely North Shore Hospital?

And finally, would Alfred P. Sloan have gotten a better education at MIT/Sloan than he did at Brooklyn Poly?

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I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

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Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2017

1743 The Inauguration

Photo by Martha Washington

Just a few days, now.  You too can be a witness to history, just like Martha Washington was when she took out her camera and snapped this picture of her husband taking the oath of office in April of 1789.  Photohistorians are divided on whether she used a Kodak Brownie Hawkeye or her Sony RX 100.

We’ve come a long way since those primitive cameras. Remember, that up until 1902, a Brownie was the size of an orange crate and weighed 48 pounds.

But we also have come a long way since George Washington was president.  Since then, we’ve had presidents who have led us into wars, justified and unjustified; into and out of economic crises.  We’ve had presidents who sullied the environment and those who have tried to save it.

But in each case, the president has nurtured growth and stature; the wellbeing of its people filtered through their personal definitions of wellbeing.

At least that’s what we have had so far. Now, who knows?

The president elect has been variously on every side of every issue.  He has worked to circumvent anything anyone else has accomplished and then reversed course.

We in the crystal ball business try to take his 70 years of past behavior and accurately forecast what the next presidency will bring.  And we have no way of predicting that.

We use his pronouncements and proposals and retractions, his nominees for important government jobs and his reality TV show persona to come up with a workable theory of what he will or won’t do as president.

We parse his every statement and come up with a library of self cancelling contradictions.  But he’ll be president and that means he can’t just sit there.

The pundit consensus seems to be that the next four years will be no fun.  Will he name Vladimir Putin US Ambassador to Russia?  Will he let the religious fanatics he’s criticized all his adult life but who voted for him run his administration and if he does… what will they do?

In any event, we’ll soon learn what “Great Again” looks feels and smells like.  And even though past performance is no guarantee of the future, it’s easy and forgivable to be pessimistic.

Today’s Quote:

“We feel the inauguration of a president is not a political event.”  President Billy Hawkins of Talladega College attempting lamely to defend sending the historically black college’s marching band to play in the inaugural parade.

Grapeshot:

-How do you trust your own mind when you see the picture that’s developing before your very eyes?

-You can’t and the politicians are counting on that plus they’ll be perfectly happy to tell you what to think.

Shrapnel:

--Is the entire incoming administration unburdened by brains? Is there no one who will tell the Emperor that when he goes after congress it’ll get even? Waging war over Russian hacking and the value of the intelligence agencies is a fine way for a president-in-waiting to assure his own rough future.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1742 Orphan Time Zones

Eastern, Central, Pacific.  Those are our time zones. Oh. Wait.  There’s also Mountain, Atlantic, Alaska and Hawaii.  There is?  Yes, of course. But you rarely hear about them.

Let’s resolve to mention them more in 2017.  It’s a hard resolution to keep because nothing ever happens in those zones.  But it’s time to hear it for the little guy.

The biggest piece of geography among these is in the mountains.  And it’s not quite right to say we never hear about that.  Aspen, Colorado gets some play.  Sometimes Park City, Utah.  And there’s the occasional dance between mountain men and federal storm troopers.

But you never hear the TV announcer say something will be on “tomorrow night at eight, six Mountain.” No. It’s always “tomorrow night at eight, seven Central.” Or “tomorrow night at eight Eastern and Pacific, seven Central.”

We used to talk -- infrequently -- about Alaska-Hawaii time.  But Alaska is in one time zone and Hawaii in another.  So when it’s noon in Sarah Palin’s backyard, it’s 11 on Christopher Coles’ beach.

That’s too confusing for most of us.  Plus what’s the big deal about an hour’s difference in two states, one with more moose than people and the other with lovely beaches and hula dancers where real people vacation, the residents call it “paradise” and the rest of the world pays no attention unless there’s a tsunami or a volcano blows its top.

On the other side of the continent there’s the Atlantic time zone.  Even the three people who live in it don’t use it.  Just a little of Maine. And that piece of Maine uses Eastern time in an effort to fit in. The rest covers parts of Canada and Puerto Rico.  No one remembers Canada or Puerto Rico other than one is boring and the other is bankrupt.

Just once, can’t that TV guy say “tomorrow at eight, nine Atlantic?”

Shrapnel  Megyn Kelly edition:

--Fox news actress Megyn Kelly is moving to NBC where she’s in for a rude awakening.  Unlike Fox, NBC is a real news company -- despite Comcast -- and while management will treat her like a star, the people who do the real work won’t.  NBC eats anchor-monsters alive then spits the shells into the Rock Center Ice Rink after hours.

--If Katie Couric can’t make a daytime talk show work, how will Kelly?  If no one can topple CBS’ 60 Minutes, how can Kelly?  Easy answer: she can’t.

--Successful anchors or public figures have gone from somewhere to Fox with continued success. Examples include Tony Snow, Neil Cavuto and Maria Bartiromo.  But no one you’ve heard of started at Fox News and remained successful elsewhere.

Grapeshot:

-As of this writing hospitalized mass murderer and failed folksinger Charles Manson, 82,  remains alive in a California prison ward, but there’s always hope this bad fortune won’t last.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1741 Working on the Brain Next

Resolutions out of the way… and mine were the same for 2017 as they were for every previous year:  Resume smoking cigarettes, drink more and gain ten pounds.  Since resolutions are never kept, these make complete sense.

Everyone else is saying what a rotten year 2016 was. And in many ways they were right.  Our country went to hell politically.  Our bank account has been making a concerted effort to follow.

But personally, it wasn’t all bad.  Big and little things went right.  We managed to discard the tainted all natural organic cheese block we bought at the farmer's market before contracting the food poisoning others endured.

The new car, struck unoccupied, was restored to new by good natured and talented men and women at a body shop that neither skimped on parts nor overcharged.

I won a contest. Second time in almost 75 years. (The first was the jar of peanuts, won by making the most accurate guess at their number. The second was a nice guitar awarded for the athletic feat of having someone drawing my name out of a jar that probably can hold a million peanuts.)

Reunited with a few old friends, some of them really old.  Finally got the entire attic and part of the basement cleaned out.  Working on the brain next.

With age, evidently, smaller things become Great Moments.  And sometimes things that don’t happen are better than things that do.

The robocalls have stopped.  A major retailer admitted and took responsibility for a billing error.  So did a major bank.

A powerful new hand vacuum sucked a key out of the computer, but it is a key of infrequent use; of only minimal value.  And the rest of the keyboard is cleaner than when it left the factory.  Working on the brain next.

No one threatened to sue for unauthorized pictures on this site, probably because those of us who gather here are too insignificant to get on the legal radar.

The folks at home taped the MTV awards, so only those who want to see it have to.  Comcast reduced its monthly fee down to leech level.  Chock Full O Nuts increased the size of its 30 ounce coffee can without increasing the price.

Little things mean a lot.

Working on the brain next.

Fotoplay:

This is not photoshopped.  You ever been at that tower, you know this was no easy prank.

Grapeshot:

-One hundred years in the making, most of the Second Avenue Subway debuted yesterday and ran on or close to schedule.

-The NYC subway is run by the state’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority, the MTA.

-The conductor on the first train was Charlie Feliciano, which makes him Charlie on the MTA and no one threw him a sandwich or a Kingston Trio album.

-Anyone out there old enough to get the above?

Today’s Quote:

“The Russians are not our friends.” -- Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). Thanks for noticing, Mitch.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1740 The Wessays Amendment

We’ve proposed amendments to the constitution before.  The most notable says “Congress shall make no law without eliminating two others not passed for the purpose of repeal.”

This one is more of a housekeeping move.

Let’s have an amendment that switches the order of the bill of rights, putting the most important on top.

Right now we have the first amendment, which is about freedom of speech, the press, religion and assembly.  This is superannuated.

The incoming administration is strictly about controlling the press and restricting religion to select versions of Christianity.  So maybe the first should be moved down a notch or two.

What’s really important these days is guns.  So let’s elevate the second amendment to first.

This will cause a great deal of reprinting.  The NRA will have to re-do every scrap of propaganda and every book.  But print orders are good for the printing business. So the neo-first amendment is a good old American pro-business piece of … legislation.

The second is so much more popular than the first these days, elevation is a natural act.

The third says the army can’t waltz into your house and bunk without your OK.  This deals with a revolutionary war- era problem.  But since we’re reordering not changing the amendments, move this one to the bottom.

The fourth: unreasonable search and seizure.  The fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth have to do with your rights in court… things like grand juries, high bail and so on.

The ninth says they can’t take away your constitutional rights.  And the tenth is States’ Rights.

So in the reordered Bill of Rights, the second amendment becomes the first, the first becomes the second, the tenth becomes the third, the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth and ninth remain in place, and the third moves down to tenth.

Once this precedent is settled, we can go to work on the rest of the amendments.  There’s plenty to do there, too.

But first things first.  Or maybe second.

Shrapnel:

--Jon Benet Ramsey’s brother is suing CBS charging its series about his sister’s murder has ruined his reputation. Reputation? As what, a spoiled rich kid with a deck of 51?

--President elect Tweet (or is it Twit?) has asked the Russians for patience in the face of new sanctions and told Israel’s prime minister not to worry about anything president Obama does in the waning days of his administration.  Advice to Putin: Don’t hold your breath. Advice to Netanyahu: worry.

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I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2016

1739 The Time Bank

1739 The Time Bank

A little misleading.  There IS no time bank.  But think of what you could do if there were.

First, let’s get one thing straight: Time is your only asset and it’s not renewable.  Forget relativity, spacetime, alternative universes. We get enough of that from the incoming Ghost Ship administration. Alt this, alt that.

Time may be an artificial construct based on observable phenomena.  But in day to day use, it’s real.

And think of how much you squander.  If you could bank some of it, your life would be longer… generally considered a plus.

As in any market (how Paul Ryanesque!) there are gains and losses.  When the court has a missing item on its calendar and your case comes up early, you gain.  (Unless, of course bail is denied and they take you directly to the electric chair.)

When the sign in the doctor’s office says if you’re more than 15 minutes late you will have to reschedule, you’ve lost time even if you’re only 16 minutes late.  Of course if doc is late, no matter by how much, tough, buddy. Live with it.  He’s a doctor, after all.

You lose time on checkout lines, in traffic jams, waiting for “her” to put on her makeup after taking forever deciding on what to wear (still subject to change after the makeup’s done.)

You lose time when the foursome ahead of you on the 18th hole decides to drink and carouse before they get to the “19th Hole Lounge” in the clubhouse.

You lose time when you use the cash only lane on the George Washington Bridge and eight cars ahead of you is Jed Clampett in his 1928 Model A trying to get directions to Rhinebeck followed by seven cars from Ohio.

These are times you can’t bank.  But think about the time you lose all by yourself.

An hour watching “The Voice” or the MTV awards is an hour you’ll never get back. A trip to the outlet mall is a day you can’t get back.

The clock is not syncopated, it counts steadily.

Grapeshot:

-When you tell the bank teller you want to make a “time deposit” and she asks how much and you answer about an hour” she’ll have you thrown out.

-Calling a watch a “timepiece” in an ad is pretentious, calling it a timepiece in conversation is ridiculous, printing the word on the watch face is gauche.

-In the smartphone era, watches are jewelry because there’s no need to have one to tell time.

-Digital watches with LED readouts often have a zillion functions but they lack one you get only with analog: time remaining in the hour at a glance.

-Make that two functions… because a stopped analog is right twice a day but a stopped digital is a blank face.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

All sponsored content on this site is fake.

© WJR 2016