1742 Orphan Time Zones

Eastern, Central, Pacific.  Those are our time zones. Oh. Wait.  There’s also Mountain, Atlantic, Alaska and Hawaii.  There is?  Yes, of course. But you rarely hear about them.

Let’s resolve to mention them more in 2017.  It’s a hard resolution to keep because nothing ever happens in those zones.  But it’s time to hear it for the little guy.

The biggest piece of geography among these is in the mountains.  And it’s not quite right to say we never hear about that.  Aspen, Colorado gets some play.  Sometimes Park City, Utah.  And there’s the occasional dance between mountain men and federal storm troopers.

But you never hear the TV announcer say something will be on “tomorrow night at eight, six Mountain.” No. It’s always “tomorrow night at eight, seven Central.” Or “tomorrow night at eight Eastern and Pacific, seven Central.”

We used to talk -- infrequently -- about Alaska-Hawaii time.  But Alaska is in one time zone and Hawaii in another.  So when it’s noon in Sarah Palin’s backyard, it’s 11 on Christopher Coles’ beach.

That’s too confusing for most of us.  Plus what’s the big deal about an hour’s difference in two states, one with more moose than people and the other with lovely beaches and hula dancers where real people vacation, the residents call it “paradise” and the rest of the world pays no attention unless there’s a tsunami or a volcano blows its top.

On the other side of the continent there’s the Atlantic time zone.  Even the three people who live in it don’t use it.  Just a little of Maine. And that piece of Maine uses Eastern time in an effort to fit in. The rest covers parts of Canada and Puerto Rico.  No one remembers Canada or Puerto Rico other than one is boring and the other is bankrupt.

Just once, can’t that TV guy say “tomorrow at eight, nine Atlantic?”

Shrapnel  Megyn Kelly edition:

--Fox news actress Megyn Kelly is moving to NBC where she’s in for a rude awakening.  Unlike Fox, NBC is a real news company -- despite Comcast -- and while management will treat her like a star, the people who do the real work won’t.  NBC eats anchor-monsters alive then spits the shells into the Rock Center Ice Rink after hours.

--If Katie Couric can’t make a daytime talk show work, how will Kelly?  If no one can topple CBS’ 60 Minutes, how can Kelly?  Easy answer: she can’t.

--Successful anchors or public figures have gone from somewhere to Fox with continued success. Examples include Tony Snow, Neil Cavuto and Maria Bartiromo.  But no one you’ve heard of started at Fox News and remained successful elsewhere.

Grapeshot:

-As of this writing hospitalized mass murderer and failed folksinger Charles Manson, 82,  remains alive in a California prison ward, but there’s always hope this bad fortune won’t last.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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