1745 All News is Fake News
Retired New York Daily Mirror Science Editor Merton D. Hasenpfeffer is widely credited with starting the Global Warming hoax.
Here’s the secret oath we newspeople all take before receiving our destructo buttons:
“I _____ ____ do solemnly swear to uphold this Newspersons’ creed. I will to the best of my ability lie, cheat, steal, accept bribes and write what my masters tell me to.
“I will do my best to withhold important news and/or trivialize it. I will do my best to bring my inherent dishonesty and laziness to full flower.
“And I will do my best to write or speak it in terms to confuse and befuddle, so help me God.”
So you see the rites of the journocult are now in plain sight and it’s likely your correspondent will have to go into hiding to avoid contract underworld hitmen, government death squads and the issuers of fatwas.
But no one will report that.
Omitting stories takes no energy. CNN barely mentioned Meryl Streep between red carpet shots at the Golden Globes.
We do our best work when we simply invent events.
Here are some examples:
The Holocaust and the bombing of London. It’s been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Jews left Germany, Austria, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Poland, etc. voluntarily. Those trains didn’t go to death camps. They went to Paris.
Edward R. Murrow wasn’t speaking from a London rooftop. He was on the air from Studio 5 at CBS headquarters on Madison Avenue.
Hiroshima/Nagasaki: Anyone actually see the mushroom clouds? No, of course not.
North Korea: China annexed the northern half of Korea in 1951. The war? What war?
The Castro Revolution: Never happened. The Miami Herald in cahoots with Meyer Lanski dreamed it up. Castro was just a figurehead so that Lucky Luciano could keep a low profile.
Moon Landing: Faked and you know it.
Watergate: Hmmm. That might have been real although information has come out to hint that Spiro Agnew set it up.
The Affordable Care Act: You can keep your doctor? Affordable?
The end of organized crime: New York’s “Five Families” lost a little weight but retain their grip on the waterfront.
The Kardashians: Invented whole cloth by OJ Simpson’s fake “Dream Team.” Johnny Cochran was doing real estate transactions and divorce cases from 1980 until the time he faked his death in 2005. Dershowitz had an ambulance scanner in his 1985 Datsun and Robert Shapiro was getting ready to launch Legal Zoom and appeared in court only on alternate Wednesdays.
All along you thought this stuff was true. Fool you once, shame on you. Fool you a thousand times, still shame on you. We’re just doing our job.
There are three areas of coverage that deserve special mention:
- Weather. Weather forecasts routinely predict conditions that either don’t develop or develop later than they’re supposed to. Do you think that’s an accident? Think again. The forecasters are just showing off their spiffy new graphics. No one can do anything about the weather.
- Sports: with interest flagging in football and baseball games lasting forever, sports reporters have to do something to justify their existence. Hence we get fake stories about football injuries and steroid use in major league baseball. Pishposh. We make it all up.
- Technology: the saddest part of reporting on technology is that the geeks who report on it are ripe for payoffs but so enthralled with their subject that they’ll do the sugar coated stories without so much as a free cup of coffee.
There. It’s all out. Now you know that all news is illusion and that we do it on purpose. To us newsies, every day is April Fool’s.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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