1790 Voices from Outer Space
(Flents Earplugs Photo.)
Okay, quickly now, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Voice?” Chances are it’s NBC’s mock-worthy farce of a talent contest reality show “the Voice” where underage people stand on stage and compete for the attention of four celebrity judges in rotating chairs by screaming for 90 seconds in imitation of singing.
But now there’s a new contender for the world of “what’s the first thing…” It’s a hotline to report crimes by illegal aliens, 1-855-48-VOICE.
VOICE is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Homeland Security Department and stands for Victims of Immigrant Crime Engagement. The hotline is designed to answer your questions about the subject. Or to rat out your neighbors whom you suspect are illegal aliens and suspect are committing crimes like murder, rape, robbery and picking grapes for a dollar an hour.
But “aliens” has more than one definition.
And protesters are flocking to the hotline to report they’re being held by a battalion of little green men on a flying saucer in geosynchronous orbit above Nogales, Arizona or Area 51. Some report ET has moved in next door. There goes the neighborhood.
Flocking and flooding.
As of this writing Homeland Security hasn’t answered our call for a comment. But you can be sure they’re not happy.
Neither are the callers.
Talk about outside agitators! You think this a joke? These little greenolas from Planet Zatog say they "come in peace.” But what they do is come to steal American jobs!
They’re everywhere, from behind the wheel of the recycling truck to the Lancome counter at Bonwit Teller. They work for next to nothing.
You see them each morning in shape-ups outside Home Depot, Staples and the 7-11. Milling around. Using their x-ray vision to look through the clothing of American women and sometimes even pinching their earlobes. (Zatogans’ organs of reproduction are in their earlobes.)
And the pittance they earn is being wired to the families they left behind on Zatog eight light years ago.
It’s a good thing patriotic (real) Americans are calling these illegals what they are and reporting them to the VOICE hotline.
And some of the cities where these creatures gather have declared themselves sanctuaries and won’t cooperate with the Department of Homeland Security’s efforts to rid us of these pests.
Here are just a few examples: Neptune and Atlantic City NJ, Amityville NY, Advance MO, Austin TX, Greenwood DE, Plattsburgh NY, Phoenix AZ, Lake Buena Vista CA to name just a few.
What do these locations have in common? Abandoned airports! Yes, the very cities that are welcoming illegal aliens are the same as cities that welcomed the Zatogans in the first place.
People, we’re going to have to put a stop to this. Next thing you know, they’ll be marrying our children and moving into our public housing.
Call the hotline! 1-855-48-VOICE. Do it today!
Notes to readers: (1) Thanks to the otherwise sane Jim Stagnitto for first alerting us about the Planet Zatog in 1982. (2) Don’t expect Blake Shelton to answer the VOICE hotline. He was a paid endorser in the public service announcement video. But you might catch Cee Lo Green on the phone since, mercifully, he’s not done much else to brag about since leaving The Voice. And the courtroom.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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