1411 Reach for the Floor

Here it is, people, the self help advice that can get you ahead in today’s complicated, lopsided world.

They’ve told us all along “reach for the stars.”  Bah-Loney! Reach for the floor.

The only way to get by these days is to become filthy rich or to become filthy poor.  Since the former is out of the question for most of us, consider the latter.

The first thing to do is get rid of that job if you have one.  Get fired. Collect unemployment comp.  Since you’ll be jobless, you’ll have only one real asset to squander: time.

And that’s good.  You can sit in the waiting area at the emergency room all day, because what else are you going to do with your time, wash your BMW?  Presto: free medical care.  It just takes awhile.  They can’t turn you away.

Food stamps!  Not poor enough? Shed assets. Reach for the floor.  There’s nothing stopping you but your own fear.

Remember what Reagan taught us: Ketchup is a vegetable.

Remember what Napoleon Hill taught us:  If you can conceive and believe, you can achieve.  In this case, it doesn’t even take hard work and dedication.

Need help with your heating this winter?  If you’re working for Mickey D 15 hours a week, you’re not quite poor enough to qualify.  So ditch that unwanted job and get your fuel oil on the cheap.

Don’t work hard, work smart!  Drain that bank account.  Break that CD before deadline.  You’ll lose some interest.  But these days the only interest that’s paid is chump change. Certificates of deposit have become like savings accounts:  just take out what you need.  

(In a savings account, you not only withdraw at will, you can deposit.  But you won’t have anything to deposit, so that’s an irrelevant consequence.)

Reach for the floor.  Obey the law of gravity!  Things go down for a reason. Don’t try climbing up. It’s not worth the effort.

Think about it.  All this striving to get to wherever it is you got?  What has it really gotten you besides not being rich enough or poor enough to live decently?

At root, having others pay for your benefits is the most important characteristic the rich and the poor share.  

So forget this “reach for the stars” stuff.  Reach for the floor:  it’s right there for the taking.  It’s right under your feet.  It’s like … falling down.

Shrapnel:

--So the Democrats got together and managed to kill the Keystone Pipeline, at least for now.  Good work, boys and girls.  But it’ll be back, so what’s your “plan B and where were you when we needed you for really important stuff?

--And where were you when we first learned that killer airbags were our undeclared and uninvited passengers?  Now, they want a national recall. Fasten your seatbelts, and buy a helmet.

--Arms dealers in Ferguson, Missouri report a sales boomlet.  Everyone’s breath- holding,  awaiting a grand jury decision on whether to charge the cop who shot and killed the kid.  Talk about damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1409 Hunting With Scotus

The Justices of the US Supreme Court have cancelled their planned hunting trip.  It’s not that Scalia doesn’t want to be seen with Cheney in public again.  It’s not even that Thomas can’t get a hunting license without a photo i.d.  It’s just that they’ve had a better idea.

First some background. Last year, the justices decided there were too many people, especially wrong minded people.  People who, say, didn’t believe that money equals speech.  People who think Arizona went overboard with its proposition 100 which bars holding people here illegally without bail.  And people who are still whining about putting G.W. Bush in office in 2000.

So here’s what they did:  they ordered catalogs for themselves and their clerks and other staff members.  Eddie Bauer, LL Bean… you know… outdoorsy kinds of things.  Some got subscriptions to Guns & Ammo.

Some of justice Thomas’ staff approached him and asked why they were getting this mail. Justice Thomas said nothing.  So they did the next best thing, they went to justice Antonin “Tony Ducks” Scalia who informed them they’d be going hunting.  Thinning the population. Performing a great service for their country.  And they’d be joined by at least four and possibly five or six of the judges.

Justice Sotomayor declined. Because she’s relatively new, she said she didn’t have enough accumulated vacation time.  Justice Ginsburg declined and said her arthritis acts up in the cold and damp.  And with Tony Ducks on board there were bound to be accidents.

So the hunting trip is off, the subscriptions have been cancelled and the catalogs un-subscribed from.

But overpopulation remains a problem high on the court’s agenda.  So they figured out a new plan.

There is a grammatical oversight in the Affordable Care Act that could end some federal subsidies to the holders of health insurance.

“We can use that,” said one justice speaking on condition of anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to announce a decision before it’s published, “to get more of those useless poor people dead and in pauper’s graves early.  They’ll stop burdening our health care systems. They’ll stop moaning about income inequality. And best of all, they won’t be able to vote.”

He continued:  “...those who can’t get that socialist insurance will be forced more deeply into poverty and have to spend so much time working their three part- time minimum wage jobs they won’t have the energy to pester us with their frivolous complaints.”

Another justice was unhappy with the pre-decision and even more unhappy that the Guns & Ammo subscription was cancelled.  “My nephews liked to read it when they came over to visit.  I try to encourage them to read.”

Shrapnel:

--Got another “free gift” offer.  No thanks.  Some of us would rather pay for stuff people want to give us.

--As newspapers are cutting back, the Boston Globe announced it would soon start printing a stand alone business section.  One more well- edited voice is welcome in an era when most get their financial news from radio flakes and wobbly- thinking websites.

--One radio voice that is not trying to sell you books, advice or get rich schemes is closing down.  The Wall Street Journal report, heard on many stations, will be shutting of the mic at the end of the year.  You can only think “yeah, right” when the Journal says radio no longer fits its core business.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014