Cow Chips II

New York City’s full of tourists.

Fa La La La La, La La La La.

Once again, we must endure this.

Fa La La La La, La La La La.

Don we now our suits of armor.

Fa la la, lalala la la la.

Do not hurt him, do not harm her.

Fa La La La La, La La La La.

About a month ago, we in greater New York endured the Country Music Awards and the accompanying and attendant hoo hah (or hee haw) that went with it. The tourists followed the sage advice offered in this space, cashed in their cow chips and went home (Wessays, 11/17/05.)

But they’re baa-aak.

By the tens of thousands.

Can’t walk on 34^th Street or Broadway, nearby.

Macy’s is a rock star.

Dank, creaky, old, slow, but a rock star.

Meet the sisters: Virginia Reel and Alabama Jubilee. They’re here from their respective states to do a bit of shopping. They got on the tour bus at four in the morning and will go back at nine at night. Larded with bright red bags full of stuff they could have gotten on line without the need to travel, without the sales tax and without the hassle – theirs or ours.

But no.

They are in Macy’s Visitors’ Center which is on floor number 1-and-a-half. Really.

Bet you didn’t know there was such a place or such a floor.

But there they are, looking in the dog-eared yellow pages on the coffee table for something called “Caesar’s Restaurant,” and not finding it.

An Evil Native is there, waiting for his wife to finish shopping (this is another story for another time, but it’s an all day deal.) He whups out the white pages and finds it. It is at 24^th St, and Madison Ave.

“It’s a bit of a walk with all those packages, but you head out the door on 34^th, turn left and walk. First comes Broadway, then comes Sixth Avenue which also is called Avenue of the Americas on the sign, then Fifth Ave. Then Madison.”

It’s a project explaining the setup of East and West on the street signs, and how the addresses fan out in two directions. But although they’re Hill Folk, they’re not STUPID Hill Folk and eventually catch on.

“Is it a long walk?”

“Only when YOU and your zillion compatriots are here.”

Don’t they have Macy’s in other places? Couldn’t you try Bloomie’s? Same company, snootier location, smaller sidewalks but fewer people on them.

Maybe next year, they’ll go to Atlanta.

Much nearer for both of them, good shopping and much more exciting. Robberies, murders, and Genteel Southern Mayhem.

Not as exotic, maybe. But much higher emotion.

Much shorter ride, much higher risk.

Or if they’re REALLY adventurous and brave, Miami.

The pastrami is almost as good as New York’s. And the Media Noche sandwiches are better.

As are the cigars, if you know the right corner.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.™

©wjr 2005