Monday, January 09, 2006

The Carrotarians

You’re not going to like this.

Here are the Secret Seaside Laboratory, we’ve run and re-run the experiments.

And there’s no getting around it.

Carrots have psyches, souls and brains.

This throws a major monkey wrench into the Vegetarian ethos.

Now, what to do?

If carrots have all that, what about broccoli, lettuce, spinach, even peas?

If eating meat is bad for animals, what about eating carrots? And broccoli, lettuce, spinach and peas?

It’s true, more research is needed and the Secret Seaside Researchers are already hard at work on this.

If it turns out carrots aren’t the only ones, what are we to do?

And what about apples, grapefruit and even grapes?

We will ultimately find out.

If, as expected, all fruits and vegetables have brains and souls, what’s left to eat?

Plastic? Can’t do that. It doesn’t digest.

What about lead? Uh, oh. Lead poisoning. Ditto mercury.

Wood? Not terribly nutritious, and maybe danger there, too.

Coal?

Some problems with that, at least for now. It not only kills the people who eat it, it kills the people who mine it. Or turns them into (shudder!) vegetables.

Ah, but do not despair.

Far be it for us to leave you without a solution. (Note, regulars, there is a problem and we’re going to offer a solution, as opposed to the gross misuse of the word to mean anything from a car – now a “driving solution,” to a telephone – sometimes referred to as a “communications solution.”

The solution is: Super market house brand pudding. There’s nothing real in it. Read the label carefully. Supermarket pudding has NO natural ingredients. None. Nada. Not one.

In fact, you have to admire the chemists who put it together for making something that artificial without poisoning you.

You can eat it. It is nutritious. It is tasty in its own peculiar way. And no fruit or vegetable has to die to satisfy your idiotic cravings and addictions to food.

Next project: communicating with avocados. There is strong evidence that avocados talk among themselves – like human beings and dolphins and whales and some monkeys.

We pick the avocado over the carrot because they do not have to be peeled to be used, unlike carrots which must be scraped of their outer skins.

(Oh, the pain!)

Concurrently, we are trying to talk with a potato that has been growing in a drinking glass on the shelf over the kitchen sink.

There’s less optimism of success with the potato. It seems to have fewer moving parts than either the carrot or the avocado.

And we don’t want to dissect it to find out. You know how messy autopsies can be.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

1 comment:

John G said...

A potato in a glass of water will have moving parts: all those tendrils that develop and wave in the water.

And the situation with vegetables isn't that dire, really. As they have souls, they reincarnate. That means that they serve us as food not only once but repeatedly. Bon appetit!