Faith Healers

(37) Faith Healers

Are there any Reform Jewish faith healers? If not, there’s a market niche waiting to be filled.

You could always tell when Mom forgot to take her heart medicine. She suddenly remembered everything else. The docs swore that was coincidence. Nah.

Forget the pills and the energy level rose to normal or above. And short term memory problems cannot, repeat cannot, be caused by any known medication.

This protocol has only strengthened over the years since Mom’s death (which was not, repeat not, due to heart problems, of which she had none.)

Pill this, pill that. Herbal this, herbal that. Homeopathic this, homeopathic that.

Here’s the way one known regimen started:

Zoloft for depression. Okay. Slows you down; killed the black moods. But it didn’t kill the smoking or the coffee and therefore didn’t kill the high blood pressure.

So another pill for that, one that also makes life a journey along the trail of public bathrooms and reduces sleep to snoozing, along with intermittent trips to you-know-where.

It didn’t work too well, but it sure sapped the energy.

No high blood pressure.

Then: cholesterol is high-normal, better take another pill.

Okay, that works. Except every joint is rigid except the joint that should be.

There’s a pill for THAT, too.

So, low energy, good mood, low blood pressure, low cholesterol. Best of all possible worlds. You call this a LIFE? Oh, forgot: the memory’s going, too.

While searching for a Reformed Jewish faith healer, let’s back off the most recent prescription (and search for a Pharma mutual fund.)

Hey, waddaya know! The memory’s back, the energy’s back the fingers type fine and the limp’s almost gone.

And the saved co-payments are enough for a nice meal at a nice restaurant – and a couple of beers, beside.

But not for a pack of Marlboros. Beyond the affordable.

That mutual fund is looking better all the time.

Have you noticed the chirpy little TV ads for all kinds of new potions? Little butterfly lighting on the naked shoulder of a peacefully sleeping woman? Elderly couple glowing with youth?

The announcer, most often a woman with a light but throaty voice, comes on to describe the benefits. Slipped in between the Pollyanna is a bunch of warnings: “Wingedpeace is not for everyone. Do not take for long periods of time without discussing this with your doctor. In certain rare instances can cause major heart attacks even among people with no history of heart trouble…” Then it’s back to the smile: “Shouldn’t you be getting a good night’s sleep (or better sex or less moodiness or a more regular heartbeat or lower cholesterol or whatever?”)

Now, about that faith healer: if there are ANY Jewish practitioners, they’re probably orthodox. And that means before you get healed you have to speak Hebrew.

Anyone got a pill for THAT?

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.™

©wjr 2006