Friday, January 27, 2006

Other Interests, Inc.

(39) Other Interests Inc.

Let’s start a new company and call it “Other Interests.” We’ll get the pick of the executive crop that way.

CEOs are forever leaving their jobs to pursue “other interests.” And “new challenges” and “new opportunities,” most of which are undefined.

So, we define ‘em.

Actually, the original working name of the new outfit was “SingSing Recruiters,” whereby you could do your executive recruiting behind bars, saving a common step. With your CEO behind bars already, no need for all those messy legal fees and expense accounts (except for cigarettes at the commissary.) But the people at the New York State Department of Corrections (there’s a name for you!) raised a fuss about the name, as did the people at “Song Airlines,” which is (or was) Delta’s “discount”
airline.

We also considered “To Spend More Time With My Family,” an excuse heard often from a departing executive. But that’s not nearly snappy enough in today’s corporate world, and it doesn’t fit easily on business cards.

Anyway, being pursued is almost as good as being seduced.

While they’re out looking for “other interests” they go to movies which play at “a select theater near you,” which leads us to want to start a chain of movie houses called “Select Theaters.” Think of the free advertising. Trailers on TV every ten minutes. Every time a movie would open, “Select Theaters” would get a free plug.

Come to the “Moote Pointe Select Theater” and see “Wedding Crashers.”

Sneaking in your own popcorn to be dealt with at a later date.

About now, you might be asking “what would ‘Other Interests’ do or make?”

A good question. And that’s the beauty of the whole idea.

We’d do nothing.

You don’t have to DO anything or MAKE anything any more.

This is 21st Century America, afterall.

Just set up a snazzy corporate headquarters visible from a major highway, make sure your logo is big enough and clear enough to be understood.

Establish a telephone number like 1 800 CALL OTHER.

Then, get a voicemail system that answers: “You have reached Other Interests. If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it at any time. For a directory push ‘star.’”

BEEP

You have reached the “Other Interests” automated directory. Enter the name of the person whom you wish to contact, last name first. Or push “one” for a complete listing.

You push “one” and the machine says

“Thank you for calling ‘Other Interests.’ Goodbye.”

…and hangs up.

No one will give it a thought. Voicemail does that all the time.

Since nothing is done and nothing is made, how do we pay the rent on the building?

We don’t. Let them sue “Other Interests” after a year or two of failing to pay up.

But get some insurance, first.

Anyone have Jack Abramoff’s phone number?

His cell phone, will do. The one on the wall in his cell.


I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.™

©wjr 2006

1 comment:

John G said...

Maybe you can combine "other interests" and "more time with my family" into "I want to pursue more time with my other family." Your company could provide execs with second families that are more fun to be around, no-problem people they'd be pleased to be seen in public with.