Monday, December 19, 2005

The Phone Calls

It’s one’s patriotic duty to serve, especially when called upon directly by the President of the United States.

So it was, that the letter arrived with that awe-inspiring and scary return address, “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC 20500.”

A request to help the already overburdened National Security Agency (formerly known as No Such Agency) monitor domestic phone calls.

And with it, a little computer plug-in to make more traditional and cumbersome “monitoring” easy.

So, in goes the plug-in, and up comes a list of phone numbers. And here’s what the No Suchers were able to find out about terrorist activity here in Moote Pointe, NY.

Call #1: Male, received from female late on a Friday morning. Woman requests man “pick up a quart of milk and loaf of whole wheat bread” from Dairy Barn Drive-through on his way home from work.

Analysis: The caller, requesting whole wheat bread is obviously a health food nut and probable left wing radical. REAL Americans eat WHITE bread. Keep an eye on this seemingly innocent request.

Call#2: Same male, calls same female about one hour later. Says he can’t pick up groceries because he has to be at religious services to usher and will be home late.

Analysis: This guy is going to a religious service on a Friday? REAL Americans go to church on SUNDAY. The subject is either (a) lying or (b) Jewish or Muslim, and therefore a suspected radical. In person surveillance may be warranted.

Call #3: Male calls male on a Saturday morning. Caller says he has to stay home and “wait for the plumber,” asks call-ee to pick up his “son” for a “Little League game.” Call-ee agrees.

Analysis: both these guys are worth watching. Waiting for a plumber? Isn’t “plumber” someone who fixes leaks in information systems? What information system might the guy be calling about. Is the “son” REALLY a SON? And are there Little League games at this time of year?

Call #4: Male calls male on a Saturday night, near midnight. Call is in an unknown language, peppered with occasional English words. Extreme noise on one end of the call, sounds like a large crowd of people, also in an unknown language. English words heard: plastic, fuse, George Washington Bridge, and “…(garbled) is great.”

Analysis: Sounds like a party. The caller may need extra utensils (plastic,) may be having trouble with his electrical service (fuse) gives directions to call-ee (George Washington Bridge) and “is great” probably applies to the great time to be had at the party. Ignore this one.

Call #5, Female to female on a Sunday morning: Caller asks call-ee if she wants to go holiday shopping while the men are home to watch the kids. Call-ee agrees to meet caller at local mall.

Analysis: What do REAL AMERICANS do on a Sunday morning? (See analysis of Call #2.) These women may be part of the new breed of woman terrorists who have emerged since the liberation of Afghanistan.

These calls – with the names and numbers filled in, have been sent to the President with a note on how fulfilling it is to perform one’s patriotic duty.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.™

©wjr 2005

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