Monday, August 21, 2006

Wessay #126 Dictionarians/Worst of Summer '06

126 The Dictionarians /Worst of the Summer of ‘06

The research department has discovered a new religion, Dictionaryism. They teach that the dictionary is the inspired word of the Diety.

But they’re not buying those “new translations,” the ones that base their inclusions and exclusions on the whim of some editor or focus group investigation of the way people use English.

Prescriptive dictionaries only – and nothing later than Webster’s 2nd Unabridged. The Old Time Religion!

They point out that everything you need to know is between the covers of this book. Every concept, every noun but proper names, every verb, adverb, even those pesky adjectives. It’s all in there, they say. All you have to do is put it together.

Imagine that, a religious sect with a do-it-yourself scripture.

All the words are in there…. What more do you need?

Now, for the part we’ve all been waiting for, the Worst of Summer ‘06

Yes, fall is about to arrive, so it’s time to take a look at current and semi-current events and how they stack up against each other in various categories.

First, the Worst Real Event. This summer, that has to go to those good neighbors in Lebanon, Hezbollah. Thanks, Hezbos. We needed that.

Worst Non-Event: France proposes sending a UN force to Lebanon and then all but withdraws from participating.

Worst Contrived Event: Jonbenet Ramsey case solved. Or not. Whoever did the murder, the parents remain responsible for turning an apparently normal little girl into a dancing Barbie Doll robot while she was alive, if you can call it living.

Worst Movie: The reissue on DVD of “Double Indemnity.” This is perhaps the worst movie EVER made. But the reissue happened in the summer of ’06. NOTE: This is the first time a Disney movie has not led this category.

Worst Television Show: the honors are shared by the various rip-offs and knock-offs (or is it rips off and knocks off – have to check with the Dictionarians) of “American Idol.”

Special mention to USA Network for considering six episodes a full season of its original shows, “Monk,” “Psych,” “The 4400” and “The Dead Zone.” Six episodes is NOT a full season, guys.

Worst Radio Show (national): “Car Talk.” These guys aren’t either funny or informative anymore.

Worst Radio Show (Satellite): “Bloomberg On the Economy.” What the hell are those guys talking about?

Worst Radio Show (New York): Jack-FM.

Worst National Ads: Battle of the CEOS and a tie between “Dr. Z” of Chrysler (cute, funny, meaningless.) and Bill Ford for Ford (sincere, concerned, meaningless.)

Special mention: that awful creature from Geico. And lose the British accent, lizard brain.

Worst Regional Ad (New York) Empire Diamond and Jewelry Exchange, High Atop the Empire State Building.

And finally, our Worst Politician of the Summer: Joe Lieberman (D-CT.) Go back to Shule, bubby and talk to G-d about your dumb-assed decision to run as an independent. Maybe he can talk some sense into you. Heaven knows the voters couldn’t.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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