Sunday, December 24, 2006

WestraDamus Retrodictions for 2006

180 WestraDamus Retrodictions for 2006

For those of you unfamiliar with the WestraDamus persona: it was invented in 1990 in response to the annual predictions of supermarket tabloid astrologers. ‘Damus (AKA The Non-Prophet) decided to predict the past and usually gets it wrong. These projections for 2006 were formulated in December of 2006 and apply to the previous eleven months and 24 days.

What a glorious year 2006 will be. Except for the stock market.

We will end the war in Iraq, see a lasting peace treaty signed between Israel and the Palestinians, and President Cheney will die shortly after the Senate convicts former President Bush for high crimes and misdemeanors. Bush, speaking from his cell at Club Fed, will welcome the rule of outgoing House Speaker Dennis Hastert, and send his condolences to the Cheney family.

Perhaps the greatest surprise of the year comes when Osama Bin Laden turns himself in at a police station in Detroit, where he’s been living in secret since 2002, running a 7-11 and planning terrorist attacks on his father’s palace in Riyadh.

Saddam Hussein will be declared not guilty of war crimes and move to Uganda, where he will work as an arms broker. Silly man. There’ll be no more wars. Who needs those F-14s and Mig 21s? And who needs all that Ukrainian nuclear waste. There’s no market for that stuff.

Oh. Speaking of the market: The Dow Jones Average of 30 Industrials sinks to 4,234 in late November, but recovers slightly thereafter.

Good thing, too. After all, the four trillion dollars in bonuses awarded to the heads of Wall Street’s top four investment banking firms would have looked excessive if the Dow weren’t heading back toward 5,000.

Also in business: Ford Motor (F-NYSE) will report its first profit in 49 years after closing all of its plants and furloughing all of its blue collar work force.

Kirk Kerkorian, who tried to make a mess of Chrysler before its German occupation and of GM afterward, returns to Las Vegas and his casinos. Authoritative reports say that Kerkorian and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner plan an establishment similar to the Mustang Ranch for people in their demographic. Word is, it’ll be called The Glue Factory.

Medical News, now: Friend and colleague Jim Kingsland of New York reports on his blog, the Buttonwood Speculator ( that red hot chili peppers can cure diabetes, and that the insulin makers will take a big hit. This is provokes America’s largest drug company, Altria, to launch a hostile takeover for Merck and Pfizer, offering 28 cents a share for the former and 32 cents for the latter. (Call that the Kerkorian/Hefner effect.)

We also note that a buttonwood tree was where Wall Street’s first major conspiracy, the founding of the New York Stock Exchange, supposedly took place. We also note that buttonwood is a tropical plant, a mangrove, which likes salt marshes and hot climates, neither of which is characteristic of Manhattan. So said tree was either temporary or non-existent, which means that even THEN Wall Street was snowing you.

On the culture front: opera star Luciano-the-P will announce yet another farewell tour, and fans around the wished it were Plastico Domingo instead.

A Django Reinhardt impersonator will be caught trying to crush his own left hand in efforts to appear as authentic as the real Django, but fail when the driver of the bus he intended to use notices him and veers out of his path in the nick of time. Unfortunately, in the maneuver, he hits a group of visiting Italian nuns taking a walking tour on Second Avenue, injuring five, two seriously.

Pop Culture: B Spears vanishes from the scene entirely. And no one can find Kevin F, P.Diddy (I may be a non-prophet, but figuring out this guy’s name changes in beyond my skill set.) or that other great rap star Mike Bloomberg.

Briefly in other upcoming events, reported in the past tense:

Rush Limbaugh… out of the closet…caught clubbing with Ted Kennedy. The New York State Controller… seen trying on a DayGlo orange Armani jumpsuit, with the number 29-14554 emblazoned on the back and the iron neck collar at a rakish, off center angle.

Katie Couric signed a four year deal to do infomercials for Lee Press On Nails after CBS replaced her as anchor of “The CBS Evening News with Vanna White.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice wrote a self parody to the tune of “the Third Man Theme.” She says “now that there are no more wars, and Dubya’s in jail, I have lots of time on my hands.” Plus there are so many words that rhyme with “rice.”

Not going to die in 2006: Theodore Roosevelt, Betty Crocker, Alexander The Great, Nicholas and Alexandra, Pappa Joe Pistachio, Hank Snow, Carl Sandberg, Herbert Hoover, R.H. Macy, Benito Mussolini and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

New York City will ban all fats in restaurant foods, causing an economic boom on Long Island and in New Jersey where fat remains beautiful.

Thousand Island dressing will be renamed 1123 Island dressing because of inflation. Scientists at The Pennsylvania State University School of Agriculture will come up with an algorithm for how much wood a wood chuck can chuck, but the results will be disputed, as other scientists fail to replicate Penn State’s results.

Also on the education front: schools will continue to lower standards for students and teachers alike… the Los Angeles Public School Authority will create a self-esteem development center for crack-addicted eight year olds at the Lompoc, California Juvenile Corrections Facility.

The KGB and the CIA will merge into one global spy agency. The Homeland Security Department and New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority will each disband. The Longines Symphonette will run out of time.

And now, your non-prophet is going back to sleep for another year.

But you can visit him at any time.

(c) 2006 WestraDamus

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