Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Election Day

#317 Election Day

Can’t get used to the election process in this foreign country, Pennsylvania.

First there’s a primary and even if you shell out for school taxes, you can’t vote for school board candidates if you’re a registered independent. Taxation without representation. Unconstitutional in America. Standard operating procedure here.

Then there’s the election itself. The polling place is in a church. Unconstitutional in America. Standard operating procedure here.

Candidates are gathered at the church door. They’re asking for your vote. They have those lawn signs up all over the church yard. Vote for me, vote for me.

In a lot of America, you can’t electioneer within 50 feet of a polling place. Here, they’ll come into the voting booth with you if you like.

Well, it’s not really a voting booth. It’s a voting cubicle. Kind of a cross between Dilbert and water wings. And the voting machine is not really a machine, it’s like a giant Palm Pilot.

They have a funny way of picking judges. Kind of a compromise between elected and appointed. If they’re already on the bench and running for another term, you vote “keep this guy” or “throw this guy out.” No parties here. Unlike the school board primary.

Some other judges DO have political parties. But some candidates are members of one party and voting on the line of the opposition.

One of the judge candidates is standing out in the freezing cold one minute… running to the lady’s room another (people who don’t recognize her wonder why she’s cutting the line. She isn’t. The bathrooms are at mid line.) Then she goes to her SUV and runs the engine. Is it to get warm or is she committing suicide?

Oh, and in that primary, they voted out one of the county commissioners. A guy who campaigned as “someone who listens.” Well, he didn’t listen. He decided to run a write in campaign. Well, not really write-in. Type in. The voting machine’s a giant Palm Pilot, after all. Except you can print off a Palm Pilot, but not the giant ones.

This commissioner guy was seen as “not warm and fuzzy enough.” So he buys a bunch of TV ads in which he talks to us while holding and petting a puppy. Imagine the outtakes on that one. The puppy probably tried to get the guy’s finger and they had to drug him between takes.

And it probably wet the commissioner, too. Guy has a PhD. That means he thinks he walks on water. (It’s a requirement.) Walking on water is one thing. Remaining dry while a puppy wets you is yet another matter.

One of the ousted school board guy also is waging a type-in campaign. He and his running mate look and talk like the two guys in the cranberry ads. Except the guys in the cranberry ads are actors, and these guys really talk like that.

The brilliant local newspaper has run a fearless editorial, describing some candidates but not endorsing any. Makes perfect sense. Newspaper endorsements are meaningless.

The dust will clear in awhile. The results will be announced. Nothing will change.

Makes it easier to miss America.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

1 comment:

pipskippy said...

In Tennessee I voted at a Baptist Church who's church sign was lettered to say, "Vote Yes on 1" - where 1 was a state amendment to ban gay marriage. Completely fucking illegal. Curiously, in one of the wealthiest counties in the nation, I was stuck in line for 2 hours to vote which made me feel better about poor people getting the same treatment - except I was stuck in line with a bunch of rich white dixiecrats. God fucking dammit it makes me mad just thinking about it. Sorry to soil your blog with profanity, Wes.

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