Friday, July 17, 2015

1513 A Job You Never Knew Existed

1513 A Job You Never Knew Existed

Or maybe your correspondent is just behind the times.  

Food stylist.


Yes, food stylist.   It’s something like a hair stylist or a furniture stylist or an interior decorator or a song stylist.  But instead of the latest “do,” or the oldest chair or that impossibly haunting rendition of “Let’s Talk About Me” by Toby Keith it’s someone who arranges stuff on plates to make you think it’s better than it probably is.

The most obvious and ludicrous example:  Any ad for a fast food joint.  Find an ad for a “Baconator” a “Whopper,” a “Big Mac” and cut it out or print it from a website.

Then take it to the appropriate burger stand and order one, then compare it to what you’re served.

Food stylists are magical creatures, just like makeup artists who can make Godzilla look like Betty Boop. Your burger will come out squished.  It will ooze mystery sauce or ketchup or cheese or whatever you have on it.  It will be half as tall as the picture leads you to believe.  And chances are, it won’t be hot, despite the warning label that says “Burger may be hot, use caution.”

These are the highest of high falutin’ food stylists.  Far better at deception than the ones who teach chefs at the fancy restaurants. But they’re pretty good, too.

The restaurant versions don’t entice you with a preview.  They just decorate the plates before you’re served.

There are certain rules.  

  1. Fancy dishes must be served on chalk white plates.
  2. The chalk-white plates must be far bigger than they need to be.  White space = “class” to the classless.
  3. The chalk-white plates must be decorated with gratuitous inedibles.  Parsley for main courses, chives for potato dishes and sugar-shock versions of chocolate syrup for desserts.
  4. Never put enough on a plate to satisfy a big appetite.  That’s what extras are for.
  5. Make sure the flatware looks like it has been washed since its previous use.
  6. Offer to photograph your handiwork with the diners’ cameras so they can immediately post it on Facebook like 25,234,967 others will do at mealtime.

This, of course, leads us to another job you never heard of.  There isn’t really a title for it, but “Virtual Dietician” might do as a placeholder.

You can count the calories of those posted meals at your leisure and then inform the posters of their intake.  They’ll know then how much of a workout they’ll have to perform tomorrow.

At their “health club,” as designer gyms are called.


--You can’t make this stuff up.  Ad from a local hospital: Our surgeons use the latest cutting edge technology. Sure hope so.

--Associated Press headline: “Little Known About Suspect in Fatal Shooting of Marines” in Chattanooga TN.  Earth to the AP: the shooter is dead.  He’s not a suspect… we know he did it.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2015

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