Wednesday, September 02, 2015

1533 Apps We'd Like to See

1533 Apps We’d Like to See

There seems to be a mobile or computer app for everything.  But really, we’ve only scratched the surface.

Yes, it’s easy to find the nearest pizza joint, the best route from Squirmish, Ohio to Bucyrus, the weather forecast for Cairo or Newark or Springfield depending on which one of each of these you mean.

You can do your taxes, watch a movie, read the news, find a recipe for stuffed cabbage.  You can take a course in topology or topography or typography or the making of explosives.  You can chat with your friends and your imaginary friends, find the symptoms of non-hodgkin's ear wax deposit, and learn the history of unicycling in Rome.

But there are things you can’t do.  And here are some apps we’d like to see:

The blood sugar ray gun: People with diabetes could check things without having to draw blood or stabbing themselves, thus avoiding pain and keeping all their blood.

The STD test: Use it ahead of time to make sure.  Use it afterwards to decide whether to go home or to the anonymous free clinic.

The food borne contaminant detector: Know what you’re buying for dinner. Know what the restaurant is serving.  And the related…

Antibacterial effectiveness meter:  Learn what percentage of germs (up to 99.99) the stuff really kills. The free version will give you all you need to know. But AEM-Pro will tell you the strain or strains of the bacteria remain live and what symptoms to look for.

The OTB speed governor: Select from the list of horse races, pick the longest long shot, activate the governor and the rest of the horses won’t be able to fairly compete, leaving you with a long-odds winner.

The Subway Spread Eliminator: when the guy on the train has his legs far apart and is taking three seats, a quick blast from the SSE will hit him where he’s exposed with a (relatively) low voltage, low amperage electrical charge forcing his legs together and freeing two of the spaces.
The cop cooper:  When you’ve had too much to drink and have to drive anyway, the cop cooper will use the alpha waves generated by computer screens to put any police in range gently to sleep.

The Shadow Invisibilitator: No longer will you have to have to be a wealthy man about town who learned as a boy in the Orient the strange and mysterious secret: how to cloud men’s so they could not see you.  Just a few clicks and poof, you’re invisible for as long as necessary.

And finally…
The time release death ray: it operates through your phone cam. You pretend to take a picture of your arch enemy and walk away.  An hour or two later, the guy croaks of apparent natural causes.  You’re nowhere near the scene of the crime and you can prove it with a credit card receipt or register tape from 7-11 or Duane Reade.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to

© WJR 2015

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