Friday, December 14, 2007

The Coffee Conversion

#333 The Coffee Conversion

There are epiphanies and there are epiphanies
Most of the time when you get one of those "Ah-HAH!" moments, they're about something important. You realize that you're a republican or a democrat or you find your purpose in life is to save the whales or build a nuke plant.

But sometimes there about really tiny things.

Like this one.

The other day in Big Box Club they had this name brand coffee on sale, I mean really cheap. And in looking over the label, I noticed that it was marked "mild." Now, there's something un-manly about "mild" coffee. I've been mainlining espresso for decades. The blacker the better.

I am the inventor of the Tire Fire which is two shots of espresso in a huge cup and the rest of it filled with the worst, stale-est most burned coffee Starbucks has to offer. And no diluting this concoction with milk or sugar or (heaven forbid!) any of those silly, good-for-nothing flavored syrups.

But, okay. A bargain is a bargain. So let's try it.

As an aside, I have noticed that the Mexican made Mister Coffee machine for 12 bucks is every bit as good as the Mexican made fancy "German" super precise, auto timed, tell-us-how-dark you like it machine for 120 bucks.

So I load up the coffee maker with this "mild" stuff, and you know what? The grounds don't smell half bad.

Obviously, they put something in this wimpo blend to make it smell like real coffee, that is until you drink it. Then, it shows its true color, which is probably a translucent beige-red-brown instead of the customary and more preferred opaque black.

Okay. Coffee in. Water in. "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Yeah... here comes the mild coffee. And it is, just as I suspected, a translucent red-beige-brown. You call this coffee? It's hot coffee colored Kool-Aid.

Oh, wait. I forgot to try drinking it.


Hey. Not bad.


Not bad at all.

But, then, what does this say about me. All these decades spent savoring espresso or at least the dark French Roast and here I am liking this watery looking stuff, which if you found in your sink, you'd probably call a plumber.

I have to admit it. I love the unmanly brew.

This is a stunning introspective insight from a guy who doesn't believe in stunning introspective insights. A weak brew instead of the high test stuff? Me? Oh for shame!

I was going to keep this a secret. Not that any one's watching which coffee I drink.

After finishing wanting to keep it secret, I thought about going the opposite way, like sending a mass mailing to my entire e-mail address book announcing this discovery and disclosure.

But I wanted a test run first.

So I sent a mini-mass mailing to my kids, except the one who is still home and who doesn't care what kind of coffee comes out of the machine as long as it's COFFEE.

The daughters replied pretty close to instantly, saying, in effect, "who cares!"

The younger long distance son replied a little while later, saying "Dad, are you okay, why are you writing to me about your preference in coffee?"

And the older son will contemplate his answer for the next three months, and then call me six different times over the course of two days asking me what I'm talking about, and then not call again for another three months.

I'd call that e-mail test run a total flop. So, I've decided against the mass mailing.

But now when I go to the convenience store on my way to work, I buy the extra large size coffee and add a touch of hot water to thin it out.

I try to be sneaky about it. But Shawn and Gina at the store caught me the other day.

They asked, practically in unison, what I was doing.

The only answer I could give them that made any sense at all was "I'm wimping out."

And very publicly, at that.

I'm Wes RIchards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them


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