Friday, July 17, 2009

573 The New Illegals

573 The New Illegals

So SCUBA Dude is in the Pacific around San Diego and comes upon a sea monster. Well, maybe that's the wrong way to put it. Instead, let's say the sea monster comes upon him. This is the first sign that something's not kosher. The monster then wraps a tentacle around his diving mask and tries to rip it off. The second sign. Deep sea muggings are fairly common in Somalia, but not so much in California. Besides, the Somalis are people not.... sea monsters.

The monster in question is a squid, five feet long and 100 pounds, called by some calamari that eats you, razor beaked and toothy of tentacle. SCUBA Dude is scared out of his California deep sea wits, more so when he and his diving buddies see not just the lead squid, but a whole armada of them.

Marine biologists are reluctant to go out and look, so some of the beasts, apparently accommodating and with an academic bent, wash ashore and die, saving the scientists' trouble. They determine that these are Humbolt squid which mostly stay in the deep waters off Mexico.

Ahah! Mexican illegals, unwilling or unable to scale fences or border walls or tunnel beneath them have turned into underwater invaders. It won't be long before the right wing wackos tell us they've seen the Humbolts lining up for work outside a San Diego Home Depot. It won't be long before the DEA swoops down on the southern California beaches and slits the dead ones open looking for drugs. It won't be long before the Department of Homeland Security declares "condition red" and buys 620 billion dollars worth of patrol boats.

Thing is, these might be United States citizen squids. There's word the Humbolts have taken up residence about 600 feet down in the ocean... over OUR borders! Or under them. Now, we are going to have to check passports. The Obama administration has suggested we simply open our borders to these guys. After all, someone has to swim in those waters and Americans won't.

Watch the Sacramento legislature pass a law requiring the hiring of bi lingual teachers who speak squid.


--How to make someone stop smoking? Charge him 23 quadrillion dollars for a pack. That's what happened to a guy named Josh in New Hampshire and eventually the credit card outfit rescinded the charge -- but it took some doing... big, long, scary doing.

--The New Hampshire guy's card was issued by Bank of America. BOA apparently figured out a way to pay back its TARP funds in a big hurry. It didn't work.

--The Republicans have finished torturing Sonia Sotomayor and look terribly foolish for having done so. Now, they're trying to get witnesses to say she's unqualified, which she isn't. What is this, revenge for Clarence Thomas or Robert Bork, who full well deserve what they got from the Senate... or is it just plain bad behavior?

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®
©WJR 2009

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