Friday, August 20, 2010



Legal Zoom helps you make your own legal documents, often cheaper and faster than a lawyer would. Everyone needs legal documents. But that's not all we need. More and more, now, we need apologies. And some of the ones we hear or see or read are just terrible. Like a self-made will or a self-made incorporation, self made apologies ring false. Legal Zoom was founded by Robert Shapiro of OJ Simpson fame. ApologyZoom has no famous founder. But be assured that your apology will be handsomely crafted by a certified apologist (using your thoughts and concepts.)

Here are just a few who would have done better by using

-Dr. Laura.
-Gov. Spitzer.
-Gov. Paterson
-Tiger Woods
-David Letterman
-Mark Sanford
-Newt Gingrich
-Mel Gibson
-John Lennon
-Carl-Henric Svanberg
-Bill Clinton

Lame explanations from each of the above.

Some could have used ApologyZoom's "Context Package." This is a special service for people who want you to think they were quoted out of context. These are not real apologies in the "I'm Sorry" sense of the phrase. But they are fine battering rams against truth. There's also a De Luxe or Lush Rimbaugh package that includes reasons the fault is "your misinterpretation, not any wrongdoing on my part." This used to be called the "De Luxe Weasel Package." But A-Zoom is paying big bucks to use the name.

In addition, A-Zoom can supply a surrogate wife to "stand by (her) man" as he weeps into the camera. That protects against real wives, not all of whom want to be linked to Tammy Wynette or their husbands. And A-Zoom can supply a paid spokesman of any race for those committing racial slurs.

Imus and Dr. Laura could have used an African American to make a statement in their behalves.

Most of us don't need outside testimony about the "N" word from a black man (although Clarence Thomas and Thomas Sowell, it's reported, have offered their services.)

Mel Gibson could have been linked with a rent-a-Jew.

All Svanberg needed was someone who spoke American English to vet his speech, getting rid of the "small people" reference.

And John Lennon would have done well with a certified apologist to explain away that line about the Beatles more popular than Jesus, since the more he explained it himself, the bigger the hole he dug for himself.

But a graceful ApologyZoom package would have served all of them well.


--If A-Zoom takes off, all kinds of subsidiaries could follow. Insult-Zoom, Offended-Zoom, Doubletalk-Zoom. Oh wait, not necessary -- that's why we have public relations folk.

--The Fortunoff family is trying to get back into business by building a jewelry website and licensing its name to some of its former executives who run outdoor furniture stores. Good luck to them, but it seems a little desperate. The families that own the once great retailer never should have sold out to the bunch of scavengers who ran the thing into the ground.

--A small cell phone company has come up with a brilliant idea. It's a Dog Phone, and it rings at a frequency too high for humans to hear. Now you can connect with your canine without disturbing the rest of the household with one of those obnoxious ring tones.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®
©WJR 2010

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