Monday, November 19, 2012

1098 Welcome to ABE

1098  Welcome to ABE

Tired of the ups and downs of the stock market?  Tired of worrying about your 401K?  Tired of pitches for annuities, reverse mortgages and all that?  

Well, then, welcome to the easy path to riches.  If you act now.  Welcome to ABE, the Antiquarian Bakery Exchange.

If you’re in today, you’re in on the ground floor!  With the expected shutdown of Hostess Brands, a market already is developing in Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Hostess Cupcakes and Wonder Bread.

We at the ABE are ready to help you in a world of diminishing assets.

The price of Wonder Bread still on the shelves is about two dollars a loaf.  But as smart early buyers stock up, prices are bound to rise.

Get in on the action today.

It’s more certain than the Dow.  It’s cheaper (and lighter) than gold (and has a longer shelf life.)

Yes, Wonder Bread and Twinkies are the precious metals and blue chip stocks of the future.

And here at ABE, when you buy, you don’t get some dumb piece of paper showing you own the stuff.  You get the actual stuff. Plus for a slight extra cost, it comes wrapped in waterproof stackable plastic bags.


Q: How long do you expect the antiquarian baked goods to last?
A: That depends on which baked goods you own.  Our research shows that the average loaf of Wonder Bread has a shelf life equivalent to that of Uranium, in the range of 708 million years.

Q: What determines the value of a particular baked item?
A: Condition, age, demand.  The big three in any commodity.  For example, a loaf of bread labeled “builds bodies eight different ways” in mint condition is worth considerably more than newer versions that “build bodies in 12 different ways.” And a loaf of white bread “baked with whole grains,” or one labeled “smart white” is worth less than the basic standard loaf.

Twinkies made with trans fat are more valuable than those made without.  Since Hostess eliminated trans fat before listing it, the only way you can tell is this:  Those without trans fat say so on the nutrition information label.  Those that don’t list it probably contain it and are assumed to.

Q: Do you take commissions on each transaction?
A: Yes, we do, but they are smaller than those you pay to your more traditional brokers and auctioneers.  This is, after all, a business, but making you rich is our main goal.

Q: Beside the commission, are there any other fees?
A: Yes.  We charge a nominal amount for shipping and handling.  Certain quantity purchases are subject to express charges while others may offer reduced or free shipping.

Q: Is opening an account free?
A: Yes, for individuals. Corporate accounts, please call customer service for details.   1866-TWINKIE, However, there is no minimum balance for either type of account.

Q: Do you accept credit cards?
A: We accept electronic transfers, cash, checks and Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, Pay Pal and those little cylinders from ExxonMobil.  But sorry, no CODs.

Q: Are Antiquarian Bakery products returnable?
A: Sorry, no.  We make every effort to accurately describe all our goods.  But they are sold “as is.”

“Investors should be cautious about any and all ... recommendations and should consider the source of any advice on (any commodity.)  Various factors, including personal or corporate ownership, may influence or factor into an expert's... analysis or opinion.” -- CNN Money

Other Note:  The above note is lifted with small modification from the CNN Money website, but is standard cya legal boilerplate and probably has no actual owner. Plagiarism checkers note this.

Other Other Note:  1866 TWINKIE is a real number having nothing to do with Twinkies.  Please don’t call it or you will get a pitch for refi.


--Here’s a way to get the Associated Press wire for free:  just follow it on Twitter.  They post about a million stories a day, usually faster than their own websites or even the wire itself.  And there’s no pay wall.

--One more football game and we get our phones back on weekends.  Sharing a cell tower with a huge stadium that sucks all the bandwidth from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon means no wireless service as guys in the stands and in the tailgate park continuously and in vast numbers text people sitting or staggering two feet from each other before, during and after the game.  Would that they’d drop their phones into their buckets of beer so that someone half an air mile away could reach 911 if he had to.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to
© WJR 2012


Lisa at Wanderlust Women said...

You crazy guy. I actually tried listing a box of Hostess Cupcakes on Ebay and not a bite!

Wessays (tm) said...

Lisa: Just post a picture of yourself holding the Twinkie. That'll sell your entire stock.

Meanwhile the rotten bastards at Wonder Bread have scrapped the shut-down and agreed to mediation.

MINI 024 Let the Boss Eat the Bill

  It was really good, thanks. Sorry about having to leave in such a hurry.   News item: A table of diners at a restaurant in New Jersey ...