Wednesday, December 18, 2013

1267 Help Your Government

1267 Help Your Government

Okay, small government friends, time to make a money saving gift to Washington, something that will help bolster national security, reduce the federal workload, reduce the deficit and mark you as a patriot even more than your membership in any particular well regulated militia.

Email a copy of your 2013 electronic calendar to the National Security Agency. And no cheating, now.  Send everything.  Everything.  Even “take my One-A-Day Vitamin” or “Pay the Mortgage.”

And don’t omit those repeating events, either -- the ones that have no end date.  Include “Anniversary,” “Joey’s Birthday” and “Renew Lipitor.”

After all, remember that people who have left out important events like “Cat to vet,” have gone to jail for such omissions.

Here’s how that happens.  Say you’ve been sending your calendars all along.  But you forgot the cat entry.  The NRA ‘bots pick up that discrepancy and earpiece-wearing agents in black suits will visit you at 4:30 one morning and haul your conniving self off to an undisclosed location, possibly in Bangladesh or Tijuana where the torture laws are far more lax than where you live.

We don’t want that to happen, do we?

Why, you may ask, do they need all that stuff?  Simple. They look at your pay stubs, your checkbook and make sure you actually followed your own calendar instructions.

If you really want those brownie points, send along copies of your to-do lists.  And don’t just cross out the items you’ve done.  Don’t just check them off.  Date and time them.  Neatness doesn’t count. But accuracy does.

What will the agency do with all this?  Depends on whether you’re a person of interest.  That’s the current law enforcement term for people whose direct accusation could mean a messy and secret-spilling lawsuit.

So you’re not quite a suspect and you’re not quite NOT a suspect.

(For the contrarians among you, make life tough for the NSA.  Have your computer declared a crime scene.  Let the local cops and the feds fight for jurisdiction.)

One thing that won’t work: not keeping an internet calendar.  The NSA will have to send agents to your office and your den.  They’ll still be wearing those earpieces and black suits.  But they’ll be carrying Minox Cameras.  (And you thought Minox was out of business.  How little you know!)

There are lot of agents on the graveyard shift these days.  And 4:30 in the morning is a great time for breaking and entering.


--Government reports are about to make you question a couple of “givens.”  One says those anti-bacterial soaps don’t kill any more germs than plain soap and water.  The other says most vitamin pills are useless.  And the agencies with these reports have directed manufacturers to prove their claims.

--Harold Camping has died.  The broadcast preacher who thrice recently predicted the end of the world with actual dates and by all accounts was wrong each time was 92.  He built a broadcast empire on the backs of poor listeners and viewers who contributed their rent and grocery money.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2013

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