Monday, December 01, 2014

1416 Cyber Monday

It’s Cyber Monday! Let’s all stay in our pajamas and do what real Americans do: Shop.

Guys: make sure you don’t shave. They can’t see you. They can’t see the turkey gravy stain on your undershirt or tie.  

Ladies: No makeup today. And you can wear that frumpy nightgown your mother gave you… the one she knows will make you unattractive to that scuz you married over her heartfelt objections.  And which doesn’t.

First let’s say that you’re smarter than the average Black Friday shopper.  You don’t pitch a tent at Best Buy on a perfectly lovely Thanksgiving evening, leaving the dishes for your spouse and the kids.

If you’re a stereotypical woman you KNOW they won’t wash the dishes adequately and you’ll have to re-do them when you get home from your concrete camping trip.

If you’re a stereotypical man and you actually camped out at Dick’s Sporting Goods Thursday, you are an idiot. Unless, of course, they offered on site tent rentals, which they didn’t.

Camping out the night before Amazon opens doesn’t get you very far.  First, what kind of camping trip is it if you’re camping at your dining room table? Second, Amazon doesn’t open, because it doesn’t close.

It’s kind of like camping out in front of the Sears catalog when there was one.

Of course you’ve received 1,000 holiday catalogs from places you’ve never heard of.  The Vermont Country Store?  Or from places in the witness protection program like Duluth Trading Company which is hiding in Wisconsin.

How about the Albino, Texas Fruit Cake Company, serving building blocks since 1888?  Or the Shabaaz Bakery #43721 of Chicago but which actually is in Cicero?

Ah, but we digress.  The real action is in your inbox., Zappos, Deeringbanjo, and somehow those Canadian Pharmacies -- many of which are in the witness protection program in India -- are offering Cyber Monday deals on such items as fake Viagra and fake Zoloft and other things for which mere mortal merchants require (shudder!) a prescription.

These meds may or may not work.  But at least you don’t have to listen to ten minutes of terror inducing side effects to buy them.

You can’t buy gasoline on the internet.  But the day will come.  And it probably will be delivered by drone.

At least Cyber Monday crowds don’t provoke fights.  It’s not unusual to see 15 people staking claims to the three giant TV sets that Mega-Mart sets aside for early sale in its 15,234 stores.

To get into a fight on the LL Bean site (over one of those stylish green and tan rubber boots, no doubt) you have to punch yourself in the nose.  

Most of us won’t do that.

Most, but not all.

--Unindicted murder “suspect” Darren Wilson has quit the cops -- Ferguson’s Finest.  No severance, no pension, but a hope of continuing with police work somewhere.  Right, Darr… the closest you’ll get is when they slap the cuffs on.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2014

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