Monday, December 12, 2011

951 New International Call Centers

951 New International Call Centers

We all know that talking to a call center in India is like having a conversation with a chicken.  The ones in Indonesia and the Philippines are a little better.  At least the chickens are lower pitched and talk slower.   But what if American business started using call centers elsewhere?

(Accents removed for clarity most times):

Operator: Hello, this is Fritz.  How may I be of service?
Customer: Good morning, Fritz, this is Bob.  I’m having trouble assembling my Black & Decker polyvinyl tool cabinet.
O:  Good morgen to you, Bop, first give me the model number.
C:  It’s BD 402a.
O:  Guut.  Now, the serial number, if you please.
C:  Serial number?  I don’t seem to have that.
O:  It’s on page 272 of the instruction book.
C:  This one didn’t have an instruction book.
O:  I’m sorry, I can’t help you unless your papers are in order.  
Saudi Arabia:
Recording:  Allāhu Akbar. Welcome to Customer Service.  If you are a Saudi subject, press one.  All others, pleased to press 2.
Recording:  You pressed one, indicating you are a Saudi subject.  If you are male, please press 1 for a male operator.  If you are (pause) female, please press 2 for a female operator.
“Beep Beep.”
Recording:  You pressed two for female.  If you cover, please press 1.  If not, please press 2.
“Beep Beep.”
Operator:  Now what?
Customer: I took the rotary blades out of my electric shaver to clean them and now I can’t get them back together.
O:  What are you, stupid?  You put one in each little circle on the cover, put the little schmitchik in to lock them in place and you’re good to go.
C: Well, I tried that, but...
O: Look, you’re wasting my time.  You can’t put the thing back together, you shouldn’t have taken it apart.  Bring it back to Wal-Mart.
Recording:  Hola! Welcome to Customer Service.  Siesta is each day from 1pm to 3:30pm central time.  Please call back after 3:45.

Operator:  “Are you there?”
Customer:  Yes, thank you.  I’m having a problem with my Mini Cooper.  
O: Terribly sorry, sir, what seems to be the trouble?
C:  It won’t start.
O: Oh, dear, that IS a problem, now, isn’t it?  Do you have petrol in the tank?
C: Yes, the tank is full.  But when I turn the key, the engine just cranks but won’t catch.
O: Well, we’ll be happy to take care of that for you.  Please give me your name and address and I’ll gladly send you a return label and authorization number.  All you have to do is drop the car in the post and we’ll take care of the problem for you.
C:  The mailbox?  It’s an automobile!
O: Oh, you may have to push a little.  But it’ll fit.

It’s enough to make you crave the talking chickens of Bhopal and Patna.

Holiday Shopping Tip:  Vinyl records haven’t died, they’ve just faded away, but not completely.  You still can get them at websites like Best Buy, Amazon, Soundstagedirect and others.  And if you type “vinyl” into the search block on Facebook, you’ll find a bunch of other sources.  Caution:  the discs are pricey.  Sometimes pricier than the machinery to play them (which also remains available.)  Why bother with 33s in the age of MP3s?  Because they sound wonderful, pops, clicks, scratches and all.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments thus:  For English:  all others:
© WJR 2011

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