Wednesday, March 06, 2019

2060 Home Phones and Inboxes



The home phone is there for only one reason. It catches the calls from charity scams, “survey” takers, computer scams, telemarketers, fake IRS agents and wrong numbers.

Computer Scammer: We have noticed irregular activity on your account. Please call us for more information.

Phone: rrrrring. “Hello, this is Microsoft. How can I help you?
Collee: you called me and told me my computer is at risk.

Caller: Would you allow us to log on to your computer to look at the specifics?

Me: Sure. But I’m home now and my computer is at work.

Caller:  Can you get to work and call us back?

Me; I don’t think so. We have 11 inches of snow on the ground and I work 54 miles from home.

Caller: That doesn’t matter. We still can log in.

Me: I have to get there and turn it on.

Caller: Well, please get there as fast as you can. This is important.

Me: I will get there as soon as I can.

Next day, Caller: We didn’t hear from you yesterday. We worried.

Me: no reply.

Me: you should worry. I was in a terrible accident on my way to work in eleven inches of snow, and I’m now hospitalized with all manner of broken bones.

Caller: I’m so sorry, but please log on so we can fix your machine. We’re offering our $400 fix it program for only $350.

Click.

Inbox:

Boston Globe: Scolfano pleads guilty to sex charges.

Me: Who? What Sex charges?

New York Times: your Wednesday Briefing.

Me: I read you every morning. Why would I need more?

Extendo.com: Enlarge your whois. Guaranteed!

Me: Zap.

Vermont Country Store:  Maple sugar mummy replicas…

Me: Zap.

We are just inundated with unwanted junk email and robocalls. The average day here brings 100 of the former and three or four of the latter.

Telling senders and callers to stop is futile. It just encourages them because when you respond, they know there’s a live body at the other end of the line and they step up their onslaughts.

Good advice: Trash unwanted emails and never EVER click on “unsubscribe.”  And don’t answer the phone unless caller ID tells you it’s your doctor, lawyer, funeral director or wedding planner.

Phone: brrrring!! Hello, I am special agent so-and-so from the Internal Revenue Service. You owe us $4,820.73 cents in taxes, penalties and interest. Send us a Barnes & Noble gift card in that amount or we’ll be over to arrest you.

Me: Oh, you found me.  Okay. I want to turn myself in.

Alternative Answer: I am the Northeast Regional Director of the IRS Fraud division. Please give me the case number so I can look it up for myself.

Phone: Click.

SHRAPNEL:
--Mike Bloomberg has decided not to run for the Democratic presidential nomination.  Probable reason: It’s more fun being Mike than being president. Other probable reason: he can do more good for the country from the sidelines.

Note: my arch enemy, Grammarly, wanted to change “do more good” to “do more better.”  I did not make this up.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

© WJR 2019

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