2064 Conversation with My Spinach
Down at the A&P the other day, we bought a bag of frozen steamable chopped spinach. That night, we plopped it into the microwave, carefully making sure the proper side of the bag faced up. Four minutes later, a plate of our favorite vegetable.
A little salt and pepper, a touch of butter-like substance and we brought the plate to a tray table ready to enjoy while binge watching old Popeye cartoons on television.
Suddenly, a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder and the power goes out. No Popeye binge.
Silence.
Then a voice: “Well, dummy, are you going to just sit there and wait for the electric company to guess what happened, or are you going to pick up your smartphone and call them?”
Wait a minute. I’m the only one home. So where’s that voice coming from?
“From your plate, you hockey puck.”
I think: my spinach can talk?
“Yes, I can. And I can read your every thought. How else would I know you were thinking your question? And while I’m at it, can you put less salt on me? You’re using too much and that’s not healthy for either of us.”
Did I fall asleep and dream a dream of talking spinach?
“You are not asleep.”
A dream of talking, mind-reading spinach?
I pick up the phone and call the electric company.
“Atta boy,” says my plate.
Soon the power is restored and Popeye reappears on the TV set.
“Do you see that cartoon guy?” asks the spinach.
Yes, I do.
“He’s has been trying to give vegetables a good name and this year is Popeye’s 100th birthday. Does it do any good?”
Not if you lecture us about it. Anyway… I’m going to eat you up and you’ll be gone.
“Oh, do I have a surprise for you, punk.”
I eat a fork full.
Then, in stereo: “You can’t get rid of me just by chewing.”
One channel comes from the plate, the other from my esophagus.
“Being consumed is our job and we love it. But, hey, treat us with a little respect! Do you know what a carrot feels like when you peel it? Carrots have feelings. So do onions -- especially the purple ones -- and peas… and beans. Whatever happened to humane slaughter of lettuce and tomato?”
The esophagus channel has gone lower in my digestive tract and its volume is starting to fade. I quickly finish the remaining spinach, turn the TV to a John Wayne movie and promptly fall asleep.
But face it… you talk to vegetables every day. You just don’t realize that that’s what they are.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Reporting contributed by Don Rickles
Comments? Send to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2019
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