2071 April Fool's Day

2071 April Fool’s Day

Today is April Fool’s Day. It’s supposed to be a fun thing. But it’s kind of losing its punch.  Maybe it’s worth forgetting about.  After all, it trains kids to be fat.  Cute little boys and girls go door to door begging for candy. We all know that Pepsi and premarital sex are the two greatest scourges currently in our midst. Oh… and murder.

Visions of pure little kiddies drowning in Kit Kats and Pay Day bars abound.  Oh, and mini versions of Snickers bars which at this time of year come in “fun size” which means there’s even less under the wrapper than you have come to expect. And your expectations were already pretty low.

I’d like to meet the man or woman who thought up “fun size.”

And the costumes?  It used to be princesses and pirates. Now it’s Sponge Bob or Betsy DeVos masks. And are you sure that that little soldier at your front door isn’t carrying a real AK-47?

At least we seem to be past the evil homeowners who distribute apples with blades secreted inside or similar evils, although you never know when some genius in the neighborhood will re-invent that wheel.

And then there’s the trick part of “trick or treat.” Yeah, it was inconvenient to find the toilet paper in your shrubs or the eggs on your brand new vinyl siding. But for a while it was tire-slashing and mini Molotov Cocktails.  

When injection molding was first introduced to the world of low-rent face masks, kids would travel about as Nixon or Clint Eastwood. This evening, figure on seeing a bunch of trump masks. And maybe a few that resemble Putin or Kim Jong-un or one of the seemingly endless supply of Kardashians.

Then, there are the evangelists.  They say April Fool is a pagan thing. They may be right, but so what? At least pagans don’t ask for much more than a fun size pack of M&Ms.  The evangelists want your whole checking account.

You can have mine, Rev. It’s often overdrawn, anyway.

There have been improvements for children in recent years. For example, most costumes are made of fire retardant material. They’ve managed to produce makeup that doesn’t give you mercury poisoning. Safety first for the little Spiderman and mini Kardashian.

If you love gratuitous fire, find yourself a town where fracking is king. Find a cooperating homeowner, turn on his kitchen or bathroom faucet… then light a match.  You’ll see something you didn’t believe could exist, burning water.

Better you should burn your water instead of your daughter.

Hey, homey, ain’t you talking about Halloween?

Yeah. That’s my April fool joke.

WHO KNEW? DEPT:

-- Bubble wrap was invented in 1957 and was first marketed as a three dimensional wallpaper and was a failure. Can you imagine the fun we could have if it had succeeded?

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Comments? Send to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2019