Monday, July 22, 2019

2105 Consultant School

Where do people learn to be consultants?  Most are home schooled. We know what that can mean.

 If you want to become one, you need a better credential.

The job is pretty simple. You steal a guy’s watch and then charge to tell him the time.  Thing is, sometimes victims have more than one watch.  The iWatch tells time in addition to all the more important stuff it does, like locating the nearest Burger King or counting the steps you took today or finding the temperature in Toledo.

Most watch thieves have a special banker’s box to store the stolen “smart” watches.  They segregate them from the regular kind so there will be no cross-pollination and interbreeding. (Not sure that’s legal. But I’ll ask my lawyer as soon as gets out of Greenhaven.)

Meantime, you can start your own consultant school.  We’ve established an experimental version here at the Wessays™ Secret Mountain Laboratory (successor to the former Secret Waterfront Laboratory, where the patented Cholesterol Pipeline was developed to serve clustered fast food joints and food courts at the 23 malls that haven’t yet failed.)

The WestraDamus Mid-Atlantic School of Consultancy has small classes and a sliding fee scale.  We do not accept federal loans.  But we do teach beginning courses like 

-How to convince a client that he’s facing unrecognized problems.
-How to solve them, but not all the way… 
-Developing clients’ dependence on you.
-How to shift blame and avoid responsibility for your screwups as a consultant.
-How to be like the big guys.
-Grow or die.
-How to harness the public relations industry to your clients’ advantage.
-How to explain why the media didn’t pay any attention to your efforts at publicity.
-How to tell prospective clients about your successes even if you have none.
-How to pad and what to charge for ancillary services like photocopying, phone conversations, business lunches, travel expenses.
-How to convince potential clients that your certification from MASC -- Mid-Atlantic School of Consultancy -- gives you a leg up on those with homeschooling.

We are working on a jargon glossary.  But that has a “Top Secret” label right now.  We don’t want to tip our hand. But once it’s done, it’ll be like a second language for your clients who can then hold public discussions that no one else will understand.  This is a key to not having to rent too much office space.  You can hold your jargon conferences at Dairy Queen or the Dew Drop Inn or Madison Square Garden without fear of being understood by the uninitiated.

And never forget that a good consultant is worth his weight in helium.

--What we did on our first summer vacation in decades.  Not much. That was the whole idea.

--The horrible phrase “shut-in” has fallen out of use, thank goodness. For this, you can thank today’s most maligned villain, the internet. Everyone now shares a virtual out-a-tude.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WR 2019

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