Where do people learn to
be consultants? Most are home schooled. We know what that can mean.
If you want to
become one, you need a better credential.
The job is pretty
simple. You steal a guy’s watch and then charge to tell him the time.
Thing is, sometimes victims have more than one watch. The iWatch tells time in addition to all the
more important stuff it does, like locating the nearest Burger King or counting
the steps you took today or finding the temperature in Toledo.
Most watch thieves have
a special banker’s box to store the stolen “smart” watches. They
segregate them from the regular kind so there will be no cross-pollination and
interbreeding. (Not sure that’s legal. But I’ll ask my lawyer as soon as gets
out of Greenhaven.)
Meantime, you can start
your own consultant school. We’ve established an experimental version
here at the Wessays™ Secret Mountain Laboratory (successor to the former Secret
Waterfront Laboratory, where the patented Cholesterol Pipeline was developed to
serve clustered fast food joints and food courts at the 23 malls that haven’t
yet failed.)
The WestraDamus
Mid-Atlantic School of Consultancy has small classes and a sliding fee
scale. We do not accept federal loans.
But we do teach beginning courses like
-How to convince a client
that he’s facing unrecognized problems.
-How to solve them, but
not all the way…
-Developing clients’
dependence on you.
-How to shift blame and
avoid responsibility for your screwups as a consultant.
-How to be like the big
guys.
-Grow or die.
-How to harness the
public relations industry to your clients’ advantage.
-How to explain why the
media didn’t pay any attention to your efforts at publicity.
-How to tell prospective
clients about your successes even if you have none.
-How to pad and what to
charge for ancillary services like photocopying, phone conversations, business
lunches, travel expenses.
-How to convince
potential clients that your certification from MASC -- Mid-Atlantic School of
Consultancy -- gives you a leg up on those with homeschooling.
We are working on a
jargon glossary. But that has a “Top Secret” label right now. We
don’t want to tip our hand. But once it’s done, it’ll be like a second language
for your clients who can then hold public discussions that no one else will understand.
This is a key to not having to rent too much office space. You can hold your jargon conferences at Dairy
Queen or the Dew Drop Inn or Madison Square Garden without fear of being
understood by the uninitiated.
And never forget that a
good consultant is worth his weight in helium.
SHRAPNEL:
--What we did on our
first summer vacation in decades. Not much. That was the whole idea.
--The horrible phrase
“shut-in” has fallen out of use, thank goodness. For this, you can thank
today’s most maligned villain, the internet. Everyone now shares a virtual
out-a-tude.
I’m Wes Richards. My
opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Comments here: wesrichards@gmail.com
© WR 2019
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