Monday, October 30, 2006

Smoke THIS!

156 Smoke THIS!

You know where the worst air in the world is, right? It’s in the doorway of any office building on the planet during “normal” working hours, say seven in the morning until about ten at night.

All the smokers gather and smoke.

They can’t (legally) do it in the building. So they do it outside. Rain or shine. Snow, hail, gloom of night. All that.

But there are two new wrinkles in this.

Some states forbid smoking with in a prescribed distance from an entryway. This is why the governor of California has put up a large tent twenty one feet from the entrance to the state office building in Sacramento.

The gov can hold meetings there and puff on his stinking cigar without breaking the law which says you have to be at least 20 feet from the building to smoke.

Some municipalities are ready to outlaw smoking in your own car. Or anywhere in the open.

So far, that’s only obnoxious.

Here’s the latest rub: some companies will (a) not hire smokers and (b) will demand that existing employees who smoke get into a smoking cessation program.

Probably, they’ll include nicotine in their pre-employment drug tests. Cool move, guys.

Skirting this is probably a matter of the way the rule is written. If you smoke or “use tobacco” just say no. Not to the nicotine but on the application. They tell you you can’t be hired because you have nicotine in your system. Show them your nicotine chewing gum or lozenge. That ain’t tobacco.

Once you get the job, you’ll have to switch your addiction to the candy, at least while you’re on the job.

Or maybe they’re going to send undercover operatives in fake FedEx trucks to watch you through blacked out one-way windows. Wouldn’t put it past anyone these days.

Black helicopters, too. They can fly over your house and using heat-sensitive lasers figure out whether you’re smoking (or growing pot.)

Smoke in the basement. Or kill the weed when you hear the sound of a chopper nearby.

If everyone at work gives up smoking, everyone at work who smoked is going to get very cranky and stay that way. This will kill any remaining morale, slow production and cause more sick days more often.

But no one will die of second hand smoke. No. Instead, they’ll die of people going postal or chocking each other. It’s a lot more efficient than killing via second hand smoke and in the long run a lot cheaper.

Nicotine’s an antidepressant. Give up smoking, get depressed and sue the company that banned you from smoking on your own time and in your own home.

If there aren’t law firms that specialize in that, there will be.

Burn incense in the front doorway of your office or factory. It’s more irritating than cigarette smoke and no one’s tested any of it for second hand effects.

Better yet, burn your garbage there.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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