Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Some Accumulated Minor Wisdom

154 Some Accumulated Minor Wisdom

Not big stuff. Just little things.

--Every cloud has a silver lining. Except the one that’s pouring rain on you right now. Besides, silver is selling at about twelve bucks an ounce. That’s cheaper than Unleaded Regular. Or bottle water. Or Johnny Walker Red.

--The grass really IS greener in the other fella’s yard. It’s a fact. You can prove it with a spectrometer. And the autumn leaves are redder and yellower and browner. It’s because you are living a lie.

--The guy ahead of you on the supermarket line, the one with a can of soup and a box of tissues? He will present the cashier a one hundred dollar bill of dubious provenance. Once determined that the bill is not counterfeit, the checker will realize that she doesn’t have $97.48 in change and will have to call a manager for help. The market safe will just have been emptied and its contents leaving in a Brink’s truck for the bank. It will take 20 minutes for them to come up with the money. Meantime, three mommies with a total of eleven kids in toe will have checked through a week of supplies each on the line next to you. The mommies and the kids will be home way before you are.

--You can get out of jury duty by loudly crying “fry the son of a bitch” at the judge, even in a traffic case. You can achieve the same result by making loud death threats against the President. That will, however, slow you down.

--Do not practice your kissing technique with a live wall socket.

--The car battery will die three days after the expiration of the five year warranty.

--The TV networks ARE sending you messages.

--Meteorology is more like astrology than astronomy. But meteorologists are generally better company than astrologers.

--Only old and demented people listen to talk radio.

--The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye. And elephants are getting taller because of genetically engineered saw grass. Pandas also are getting taller. That’s because of genetically engineered bamboo and because of secret atomic tests in China.

--Curry can cure warts. So can Pepsi and nitric acid.

--Medicare cannot cure warts.

--You have been selected to enjoy a free weekend in the Poconos. All you have to do is sit through a three hour multimedia sales pitch. No obligation, of course.

--The New York Times is less liberal than the right wing thinks, and more conservative than the left wing thinks. It’s also in lots of trouble. But if you buy a copy every once in awhile, the owners may survive.

--There’s no business like show business. It’s almost clean compared to most of the rest. And no producer has been convicted of robbing thousands of people of their retirement income.

--One of the many new sleeping pills is NOT addictive. This has caused major changes in the advertising of its competitors. While they used to say “like all sleep medicines, XXX can cause dependency….” They’ve had to change that to say “like MOST sleep medicines.” This has caused great angst at the pharmaceutical companies and great glee at the advertising agencies.

--AND FINALLY… people who end the news by saying “and finally” should be sent back to sewing school or cooking school or Famous Mechanics Institute” or wherever they learned that phrase.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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