Wednesday, July 11, 2012

!042 Taking Counsel

1042 Taking Counsel

Consultants are out, counselors are in.

Camp counselors, school guidance counselors and some grief counselors have real jobs.  All the other counselors are... what?

We all know what consultants are:  they’re guys who steal your watch and charge to tell you the time.

Modern counselors are similar but with one important difference.  They don’t actually steal your watch.  They just teach you to mistrust it.

And most of these counselors are preying on women.  In a recent issue of a women’s publication, there were ads for counselors in the fields of nutrition, cosmetics, relationships, travel, sales, decorating, advertising/marketing/campaigning, organization, hypnosis, recreation, education, pre-pregnancy, i.d. protection and... “life.”

It’s like saying “okay, girls, we all know you’re all idiots when it comes to what and how to eat, how to apply makeup, how to get along with your significant other, how to make your desk neat, how to book a flight, what to do until the baby is born and... life.”

You think I’m kidding about the woman angle?  Open a copy of any magazine directed at men.  Think you’re going to find a “choosing what football game to watch” counselor?  How about a fishing counselor.  You might find someone trying to sell you golf lessons, which we know you need.  But he’ll never bill himself as a “golf counselor.”

You think you’re going to find a “barbeque counselor” in the pages of GQ?  How about an ammo counselor in Soldier of Fortune?  Maybe credit counseling if all the cheap cable channels have no availabilities this week.

Most if not all of these counselors are people who want to sell you stuff... more often than not, stuff you don’t need.

The counseling is free.  It’s also free at the supermarket when you ask the vegetable guy what kind of tomato goes best with a romaine salad.

Here is the latest news from the Associated Wes:

LOS ANGELES (AW) -- Most every mainstream American politician’s grey matter has just been proved to originate from still-in-the-package broken Chinese children’s toys or self choking devices found in found in dumpsters behind Ninety- Three Cent stores.

Dr. Max A. Million, spokesman for the poor-quality-done-bad Ninety-Three Cent chain said that the massive refuse from the stores still is being pilfered for alleged use by multinational corporations in their efforts to perfect the Perfect Thespian Criminal, more commonly known as the US politician, despite the fact that the stores’ dumpsters are now being kept in previously empty US federal bank vaults until trash day.

Dr. Million also said that on a positive note the weekly Ocean’s Eleven-like  dumpster diving breaches of the federal vaults had saved his company countless billions in rubbish removal fees.

In a rare show of indulgence Chinese toy manufacturers and their American counterparts, NASA scientists, collectively admitted that they could not figure out what was wrong with the aforementioned political brains and that they could be neither recycled nor refurbished.

The big box chain, Bosco, which recently patented with the help of modern political Alchemy, the formula for cooking the fingerprints of pre-teen children found on most major American “necessities” into actual gold bullion could not be reached for comment.

We’re both Wes Richards.  Our opinions are our own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJRs 2012

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