Monday, February 11, 2019

2050 Industrial Doughnuts

If it doesn’t have a hole, is it still a doughnut?

A few local doughnut shops are closing after making cameo appearances in their neighborhoods.  Alas! Now there are only 150 places per square mile to buy these things.

Dunkin’ has been opening stores around here at a furious pace.  Like other fast food franchises, you patronize those over the independents because you know just how much sugar shock you’re going to get with every bite.

This does not bode well for anyone who thinks there’s a market for “hand crafted” doughnuts. How do you “hand craft” something like that?  How about the purveyors of “gourmet doughnuts?” Can there be such a thing? And are we in the pre-dawn hours of Hand-Crafted Gourmet doughnuts?”  

That would be a tiny pastry served on a big, stark-white plate with a small cup of “dipping sauce” made from melted M&Ms.  Candles or small oil lamps on the tables. String Muzak on the loudspeakers and formally dressed waiters forbidden from saying “no problem” or “perfect” when taking an order or “Let me get this out of your way” before clearing the table.

People open businesses for a lot of reasons.  Among them: making a living.  Providing a service that’s otherwise lacking. Bossing around minimum wage, benefit-free part-timers who should “be glad they have a job in the first place” and fighting against any proposed increase in the minimum wage.

We’re all smitten with one of life’s great lies: “If you can dream it, you can do it.  All you have to do is work hard.” Wrong and wronger.

Open a doughnut shop in a relatively convenient location. Put announcement flyers in the police precincts.  The customers and the money will be arriving practically overnight?

Also wrong.  Around here, the cops go on doughnut runs but only in unmarked cars.  They don’t want you to see what they’re doing. No more “Lights and Sirens” to Dunkin.  Some rogue officers have gone so far as to eat “RingDings” or “Sno Balls,” or “Little Debbie’s (individual) Lemon Pies.”  

These men and women should be brought before the Civilian Review Board for conduct unbecoming a police officer.  There really is no excuse.  It’s worse than getting caught sleeping on the job.  RingDings, Indeed!

It’s also worse than snacking on carrots or celery stalks.  That’s WAY beyond normal.

The Wessays (™) research and review department had surveyed the wares of the shops which closed or are about to.  They were OK. Nothing special.  Plus it was tough to park and expensive.  That may have contributed to their early expiration.  

You want to compete in this market? You have to be better than the convenience store, the grocery store, Dunkin’, and the guy with the pushcart on the corner.
Better, faster and cheaper.  And the coffee has to be at least two notches above cleaning fluid.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2019

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