Friday, December 06, 2019

4526 A New Wonder-Fabric




Never is heard a discouraging word

You’ve heard of polyester.  Now, meet Pollyanna. It’s the new wonder fabric.  It was developed here in the Wessays™ Secret Mountain Laboratory by a team of happiness scientists who were tasked with finding something in which we can clothe ourselves and throw out or donate anything made of anything else.

Lead researcher Heinz “Stoffe” Daugenhoff says “once I knew this stoffe worked, I could throw away every anti-depressant in my medicine cabinet from Abilfy to Zoloft.  

Assistant chief fabric fabricator Halveig Dukur says you don’t need to replace your entire wardrobe.  Ms. Dukur says “all you need is a little flik… um -- sorry about when I speak Icelandic -- garment… a thong or maybe a trefil … um, scarf.”

So, what happens when you wrap your neck in a trefil of Pollyanna?  First, the sun comes out from behind the clouds.  Next, as you leave the house, the next door neighbor, the guy who always tells you to “keep your dog off my lawn” smiles, waves and gives you a hearty “good morning.”

You pull on to the crowded morning drive highway and yes, there’s heavy traffic. But it’s moving at the speed limit.  That’s never happened before.  When you get to work, you learn you’ve gotten a raise and they finally hired the assistant you’ve been requesting since the late 1990s.

I can hear you saying “this s*it can’t last.”  Oh, yes it can.  Just make sure you’re wearing that scarf of “Pollyanna.”  Get on the scale.  Yes, you. Naked -- except for your Pollyanna socks.  See? You’ve already lost two pounds from yesterday even though you ate half a pizza and a super-size Pepsi for lunch.

And for a good night’s sleep and pleasant dreams, be sure you’re wearing those new Pollyanna PJs.  

The holiday season is upon us. What’s a perfect gift for that crotchety congressman?  That “dog” neighbor or the cop who always prowls your parking lot marking tires and giving overtime tickets will be changed men or women once they wear that Pollyanna sweater you bought at The Last K-mart.

Bring cheer to yourself, your neighborhood, congress, the White House, the prosecutor and the postal worker.  Give the gift of optimism to your kid’s math teacher, your in-laws, your I.T. geek and the snooty headwater at your favorite Red Lobster. (And don’t be surprised to find empty tanks. After all, Pollyanna wearers won’t boil a living creature and charge you an arm and a leg for dinner.)

Right about now, you’ll be wondering “where can I get this?” Well, first stop, Amazon.  If they don’t have it, try the newly opened Aunt Martha’s Fabric Shop that just moved into the downtown space formerly occupied by The Last Hardware Store.  

Pollyanna wearers who want to open small businesses are getting well financed by Pollyanna wearing bankers.

You also may be wondering how we make the stuff.  Well, that’s a trade secret.  It’s so secret we’ve even hidden the formula from the US Patent Office.  So no one knows.

But independent clinical tests show that Pollyanna works, without pesky side effects.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ® 
Comments? Send ‘em to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2019

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