Tuesday, December 03, 2019

4525 Let's Invade... Somewhere

Standing in the freezing Black Friday morning, watching the crowds gather in front of Best Buy was a show of pent up desire.  People wanting stuff on the cheap were gathered in the parking lot, ready to snap up a pair of those new wireless earbuds or the latest game console or maybe the last of this year’s overpriced cellphones … marked all the way down to usurious.

Pent up.  We have pent up desires all the time.  And thinking about it, we haven’t invaded anywhere new lately.  That Afghanistan thing? Iraq?  All that’s old news.  It’s like last month’s whitebread or the magazines in a doctor’s waiting room.

So where should we pick?  The Pentagon is too busy with internal combustion right now, and its war with the white house.  So let’s think this through for them like the good-hearted, stand-up flagged up patriots we are.

There’s always Iran.  But that’s probably dangerous, in that they may have Saddam Hussein’s old stash of weapons of mass destruction.  So cross off Iran.

Hey, how about North Korea.  Nah. Also dangerous. Crazy Little Kim is just crazy enough to hurt us pretty badly.  After all, a dictator who kills his uncle can’t be trusted to wage war in a gentlemanly fashion.

Russia? Of course not. Not with its puppet still on the Punch ‘n’ Judy stage that passes for the White House these days.  Remember Nikita’s idle boast, “we will bury you?” Well, Putin’s the guy who might actually do it.

We’d have to spend too much on reparations in Venezuela, softies as we are when we actually win one.  Same with Bolivia.  And Brazil is out of the question.  Our firefighters are busy enough in California.

Ahah! Mexico!  That would be perfect.  All we have to do is declare the drug cartels as terrorists and we’re free to do what we do best: regime change.

There are advantages to invading Mexico.  First, they don’t have our appetite to fight.  At least they haven’t since they stopped celebrating victory at The Alamo. 

Second, it’s close by. That saves on both transportation costs and the creation of a workable supply chain.  Oh, and it makes the body bags less costly to ship back to Dover Air Base.

Next, we have to search for a puppet to install as president once we declare “mission accomplished.”

Gotta satisfy that pent up desire so we don’t keep turning our blood lust onto ourselves.

--No comment this year on Cyber Monday.  Our spyware must have been discovered and debugged by some federal busybody or a 400 pound acne-plagued social misfit operating from mommy’s basement in Slovenia. So we have no unofficial results to report.

--The usual outpouring of Thanksgiving editorials by newspaper publishers who can’t write has ended for another year. They are heavy on fake heartfelt emotion and lacking in substance. For this, we should be thankful.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ® 
Comments? Send ‘em here: wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2019

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