The third most visible face on TV, after Progressive Insurance’s Flo and Mike Bloomberg.
Slovenia: You don’t have to do this, my moz. I read een constitution that there doesn’t have to be a state of the unions except for this, this “periodically,” whatever that means.
President Teufel: Oh, but Schatze, I want to. I am obligated to tell the American people what a great job I’ve done for them and how it’s going to get even better in the next four years.
Plus those communists and socialists and atheists are trying to turn America into a bunch of enslaved robots.
Slovenia: Darling, they already are.
There’s a knock at the bedroom door. It’s the White House Roomba robot vacuum cleaner, come to clean the carpet.
From China with love. And maybe Coronavirus.
Slovenia: Can’t you get that thing to clean during regular business hours?
Teufel: It’s 3:30 in the morning when I usually get up to start tweeting. It knows my habits. You spend so much time in the Teufel Tower on Fifth Avenue that you don’t know what goes on here.
Slovenia: I have to be there for little what’s-his-name to make sure he’s ready for school. Plus there are no decent designer dress shops on Pennsylvania Avenue. What IS his name? Some English royalty, Earl, or Prince. Or something. What were you thinking when you named him for a “rank? And there’s this jeweler with a shop in the tower and he’s really nice to me. Maybe he wants something. I can’t think what.
The phone rings.
Slovenia: Let it go to voicemail.
Voicemail: You have reached the White House residence. Your call is somewhat important to us. Please leave a message and someone will get back to you unless you’re one of the losers who keep bothering me with trivia like climate change, Ukraine, Putin, McConnell or any of my other great and good friends. Beeeeep.
Teufel: At least I am the first president to win both the Republican and Democrat caucuses in Iowa.
Teufel: Yeah, well, no one opposed me in the Republican. And the Democrats were such a mess, with that software screwup that no one there will vote for any of them.
Slovenia: You already have the disaffected white male vote and that’s all you need. Just fire them up like you always do, Moz. Now, about that state of the union speech…
Teufel: I really don’t have to give it. Everyone knows how I’ve made America Great Again.
There’s another knock on the door. This time it’s night-shift third assistant acting chief of staff Schicklegruber.
Schick: Sir, that phone call before was from Ambassador Bolton. He wants to talk to you about his press conference tonight at 7, you know, a couple of hours before your speech?
Teufel: Call him back, Adolf, and tell him I don’t talk to people who are trying to undermine me. And by the way, my taster, Margaret, is off today so would you mind sampling my McDonald’s Big Breakfast before I eat it?
Schick: Clicks heels, salutes, makes a military parade turn and leaves.
Slovenia: Was that a yes or a no?
Teufel: Maybe I’ll skip breakfast this morning. Now, where’s my iPhone. It’s time for some tweets.
WR: I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ® I’ll be writing about what else I learned from here, under the president’s bed later in the week. It wasn’t pretty. And she faked it.
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© WJR 2020