The third most visible face on TV, after Progressive Insurance’s
Flo and Mike Bloomberg.
Slovenia: You
don’t have to do this, my moz. I read een constitution that there doesn’t
have to be a state of the unions except for this, this “periodically,” whatever
that means.
President Teufel: Oh,
but Schatze, I want to. I am obligated to tell the American people what a
great job I’ve done for them and how it’s going to get even better in the next
four years.
Plus those communists
and socialists and atheists are trying to turn America into a bunch of enslaved
robots.
Slovenia: Darling, they
already are.
There’s a knock at the
bedroom door. It’s the White House Roomba robot vacuum cleaner, come to
clean the carpet.
From China with love. And maybe Coronavirus.
Slovenia: Can’t
you get that thing to clean during regular business hours?
Teufel: It’s 3:30 in the
morning when I usually get up to start tweeting. It knows my habits. You
spend so much time in the Teufel Tower on Fifth Avenue that you don’t know what
goes on here.
Slovenia: I have
to be there for little what’s-his-name to make sure he’s ready for
school. Plus there are no decent designer dress shops on Pennsylvania
Avenue. What IS his name? Some English
royalty, Earl, or Prince. Or something. What were you thinking when you named
him for a “rank? And there’s this jeweler with a shop in the tower and he’s
really nice to me. Maybe he wants something. I can’t think what.
The phone rings.
Slovenia: Let it
go to voicemail.
Voicemail: You have
reached the White House residence. Your call is somewhat important to us.
Please leave a message and someone will get back to you unless you’re one of
the losers who keep bothering me with trivia like climate change, Ukraine,
Putin, McConnell or any of my other great and good friends. Beeeeep.
Teufel: At least I am
the first president to win both the Republican and Democrat caucuses in Iowa.
Slovenia: Both?
Teufel: Yeah, well, no
one opposed me in the Republican. And the Democrats were such a mess,
with that software screwup that no one there will vote for any of them.
Slovenia: You already
have the disaffected white male vote and that’s all you need. Just fire them up
like you always do, Moz. Now, about that state of the union speech…
Teufel: I really don’t
have to give it. Everyone knows how I’ve made America Great Again.
There’s another knock on
the door. This time it’s night-shift third assistant acting chief of
staff Schicklegruber.
Schick: Sir, that phone
call before was from Ambassador Bolton. He wants to talk to you about his press
conference tonight at 7, you know, a couple of hours before your speech?
Teufel: Call him back,
Adolf, and tell him I don’t talk to people who are trying to undermine me. And
by the way, my taster, Margaret, is off today so would you mind sampling my
McDonald’s Big Breakfast before I eat it?
Schick: Clicks heels,
salutes, makes a military parade turn and leaves.
Slovenia: Was that a yes
or a no?
Teufel: Maybe I’ll skip
breakfast this morning. Now, where’s my iPhone. It’s time for some
tweets.
WR: I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ® I’ll be writing about what else I learned from here, under the president’s bed later in the week. It wasn’t pretty. And she faked it.
Please address comments
to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2020
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