Wednesday, February 12, 2020

4549 A Letter from Hell

Larry Page and Sergey Brin were smarter than they knew. They’ve given you a window to the Great Beyond.  But what kind of supergeeks wear TIES?

Gmail has recently introduced a new feature, “Schedule Send.” You can write an email to someone and then decide when in the future to send it. This opens a whole new view of the Next Life.

Here’s how:  You are 80 years old. Send a message to someone on your contact list.  But first, press “schedule send,” and date it 20 years in the future when more than likely you’ll have passed to the Great Beyond.  Scare hell out of them.

Dear Someone,
I want you to know that they have e-mail in Hell.  Here’s proof.  You know I’ve been dead for 10 years and yet, I’m writing to you now.  I’d like to let you know that it’s not as bad as its advanced billing.  Yes, it’s warm down here. But we have air conditioning two hours a day and the food is no worse than McDonald’s.  Plus eating all that greasy stuff doesn’t matter because you can’t get diabetes or a stroke if you’re already dead.

Dear Other Someone,

Greetings from Gmail in Heaven.  I want to tell you a few things about yourself now that I’m dead and you can’t reach me. First of all, my harp lessons are going swimmingly.  Let me tell you that King David is just a regular guy.  Really good teacher and good company. But he keeps wanting me to learn “Stardust” and “Maria” from West Side Story and I don’t like either of the tunes.

But there are a few things I want to get off my chest.  First and most important, I have always squelched my urge to tell you what a pompous moron I think you are.

Second, I think your politics are stupid and counterproductive. And I think you were an over permissive parent who let his children run wild and I’m glad they landed in prison where they belonged.

And here’s an added bonus: You can write to historical figures who have only had their Google Mail accounts since the new feature started.  So if you have something to say to Joseph McCarthy or Plato or anyone else you know for sure had lived, you’re on.

Got something to say to Hitler or Romulus or Pius XII?  How about James Joyce or Mozart? Charles Manson? Ricky Nelson? St. Paul? The guy who chased your dog off his lawn?  Go for it.

And thanks, Larry and Sergey. I couldn’t have done all this without you. Oh, and what ever happened to “do no harm?”

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to
© WJR 2020 

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