Thursday, May 11, 2006

Turbo And Bold

82 Turbo And Bold

Recently, the two major burger joints changed their coffee.

Now, each offers three versions: decaf (which we coffee “lovers” reject out of hand, “regular,” and “strong.”

They leave you with the impression that the stronger blend is prescription strength and they’re taking a great risk allowing you to buy it over the counter. They want you to think that Blue Cross would in former years, give you a reduced rate for the stuff if you bought a three month supply through the mail.

They want to be thought of as daring and pioneering and hip.

Burger King needed work, for sure. There stuff was watery, thin, tasteless. Now, it’s … it’s… um… watery, thin and tasteless in a slightly less metallic way. To extend the prescription strength myth just a bit, some Burger Kings (or is it Burgers King?) compel you to ask for it. They keep it behind the counter so as not to offend the Coffee Temperance crowd or expose young children to something this potent.

From one who will tolerate almost any substance with caffeine in it: This stuff was no good to begin with and it’s no good now.

Might help if they aged it for an extra day or two between brewing and selling.

(Note to Burger King fans: Wendy’s coffee is still worse, plus they’re not open for breakfast.)

Give Burger King a “B” for effort. Their “Turbo” blend is not ready for prime time.

McDonalds, on the other hand tried to fix something that wasn’t broken.

Once, they had the most consistently good cup of “normal” coffee in America. Now, they have two marginal players, “Smooth” and “Bold.”

Smooth is the old blend, only much more water. Bold is the old blend with a little more octane. But nothing you can’t drink a couple of hours before bedtime and still sleep soundly through the night.

And McDonald’s CARDS you.

Used to be you got carded in the saloon to make sure you were legally old enough to drink. Now they card you at the saloon and the fast food joint to make sure you’re old enough to get the senior discount.

Maybe they should station nurses with oxygen equipment in every McDonald’s. They don’t have to be real nurses and it doesn’t have to be real oxygen. But it’ll further that “prescription strength” image they’re trying to project.

Meantime, as a public service: here’s how to make your own prescription strength coffee, a tried and true recipe from the Research Department at the Wessays secret seaside laboratory in Peacefully Suburban Moote Pointe NY:

Six heaping (REALLY Heaping) tablespoons of cheap coffee in an equally cheap coffee maker. Forget the fancy stuff and the fancy machinery. We’re talking saving lives, here.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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