NEWROSES PA -- The high school and college football seasons are once again upon us. And not a moment too soon. It was getting eerily bucolic around here this summer if you disregard the construction projects on every road at the same time. The only excitement came when you couldn’t get there from here no matter where here or there were.
So let’s hear it for the students who have returned to the bars, the liquor stores, the dorms, the apartments, the frat houses and to the occasional class. And to the stadium.
Ah, the stadium. Third ugliest man-made structure in the western hemisphere. Filled seven or eight times this year with up to 107- thousand spectators and surrounded by another 100-thousand or so tailgaters in the farmland across the street.
About those spectators. If every game’s a sellout, 1.6 million people will have been here, counting returnees. That’s a little more than the entire population of Philadelphia, the fifth largest city in the country.
A lot of these spectators will be nominal adults trying to live, relieve or return to their days of wine and youth. And more wine, beer or any other alcohol except rubbing.
Here are some rules for the beleaguered townies:
1. Don’t get seriously sick between Friday afternoons and mid-day Sundays because the hospital is conveniently located adjacent to the stadium and therefore inaccessible.
2. Do not shop for groceries. There aren’t any. Oh, you might find a stray quart of milk or loaf of bread at one of the two dozen convenience stores. But the shelves of all 12 of the supermarkets will be all but empty.
3. If you plan to go out for dinner, forget Friday nights or Sunday brunch. On Saturdays, look up the time the game starts and time your meal so that you’re finished before the game ends. Avoid sports themed restaurants -- which is most of them -- because crowds of proletarians with wages too low to pay the cost of tickets will jam them to watch one the 25 TV screens each of them has.
4. Do not try to make a cell phone call or receive one within five hours before and five hours after the game. All cell towers will be working to capacity as people sitting or tailgating within ten feet of one another will be texting and calling and tying up the lines.
5. Remember to pick up the discarded bottles, needles, condoms and other debris left on your lawn. Wear exam gloves or gardening gloves while so-doing.
Remember, the game doesn’t matter unless some putz makes a spectacular play of some kind and then gets squashed joyfully by his teammates or angrily by the opposing school.
Today’s post was made possible in part by a grant from Linebacker Safety Uniforms.
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Just think of it! When some big guy flattens you on the 42 yard line, you’ll land on a pillow.
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I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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