Friday, September 14, 2018

1995 Whodunit Solved


Mystery solved.  The Wessays (™) Investigations Unit has solved the greatest political puzzle of the trump era. Who wrote the Op-Ed column about chaos in the White House for the New York Times?

The answer came fast and furious once we asked the right questions:  Who has access to all this stuff? Who is on scene every day?  Who would be able to gather this information, not be noticed doing it, maybe not be noticed at all?

Which political operative or staff member or secretary-of-something would dare do this at the risk of having his or her career ended and his or her life ruined?  Answer: None.  They all serve at the pleasure of the president.

Spoiler Alert:
The sweep up guy. Janitor.  Civil servant who can’t be fired or who has already put in his or her retirement papers after emptying wastebaskets for every president since Lyndon Johnson.

We don’t have a name, yet.  But our reporters were able to follow her (yes, it’s a her!) through her daily routine.  She starts her work day when all the “important” people are ending theirs.  When the president is doing thumb calisthenics to keep his twitter digits supple and ready for the coming morning’s outpourings.

Nobody sees the woman who empties the wastebaskets and sweeps or vacuums the floors. She is invisible to the Very Important People running the country from the West Wing.  

But she sees them.  She hears them.  She notices what goes on. She is wearing a federally approved body cam so that the Secret Service makes sure she doesn’t steal John Quincy Adams’ insulated silver cola mug trump keeps on the Oval Office desk.

But she has a photographic memory.  And that includes what’s heard, not just what she fishes out of the trash and dumps in her rolly- cart which then goes to a Secret Service Incinerator Technician and is shredded, pulped and recycled. (They haven’t used incinerators in the White house since Barbara Bush raised hell about air pollution, but the job title has not changed. I’m sure they’d welcome your suggestions but have already rejected “pulp artist,” “Vice director of the Deep Six Dept.,” and “Circular File Expert.”  So go for something more official sounding.)

In the meantime, we are sworn to secrecy.  But eventually the less effective White House Office of Hiding Truth will find the information and, of course, we will have been correct.

“Your lack of respect is appalling.” -- Mayor Carmen Yulin Cruz of San Juan, Puerto Rico, repudiating charges from president trump who had said Democrats padded the death figures after Hurricane Maria killed 3,000 people in the US territory.

-As of de-press time, we don’t know enough to say anything about the current hurricane except that it looks like a lousy storm.

-To answer what seems a common question: some people don’t get out of dodge when so- ordered because they physically can’t.

-Is it time to worry about flood zone looters in wetsuits, goggles and swim fins?

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2018

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