Ah, November, it’s a
recycler’s paradise. Tens of thousands of dead trees will land in your mailbox
between now and the December holidays. It won’t abate until after the end
of the post-holiday clearances and January white sales.
Seventeen makers of
fruitcake will be among the early arrivals.
Fruitcake. It’s what
people used for building houses before the invention of bricks. This will be
followed by half a dozen purveyors of cheese plates featuring 12 varieties of
obscure dairy products in microscopic portions attractively packaged as
everything from creches to Santa and reindeer mini murals.
Fruit baskets. Yes,
let’s all order each other fruit baskets. They’re almost as utilitarian as
fruitcakes, but not nearly as durable. Plus who doesn’t like paying $15 a
pound for gen-u-wine Florida grapefruit?
Plus shipping and handling.
Fruitcakes should come
with labels showing their year’s vintage. There’s little that’s worse
than a fruitcake so new you can actually take a bite without breaking a tooth
or yanking a filling from one.
Where is Orson Welles
when you need him? “We shall sell no fruitcake before its time.”
Back to catalogs and
other forms of litter.
Lands’ End (punctuation
check, please,) LL Bean, JCPenney, Macy’s … just about every merchant who has a
piece of cloth in the shape of a body or body part except the Original Catalog
King, Sears.
Daytimers, Day Runners,
and a million kinds of calendars. Booksellers, knife sellers, gun sellers, pen
sellers. Holiday lights and other decorations.
If you’re of a certain
age, toys. If you are of another certain age, mobility products like
scooter chairs, sleeper chairs, home elevators and chair lifts.
Travel.
If you bought an
automobile in the past five years, you’ll get a nice card from your dealer
outlining what they’d like to sell you to replace that old rust-bucket they
sold you previously.
If your house is in a
“hot” neighborhood, two dozen local real estate outfits will send you mailings
telling you that they have customers waiting to buy homes just like yours.
Re-fi companies,
insurance companies, snow shoveling services (that’s what lawn guys do in
winter.) Fuel oil, propane, coal and gas companies will be filling your mailbox
with once-in-a-lifetime offers.
And who in his/her/its
right mind can survive the holiday season without Netflix or Hulu or Roku? Or
HBO, Showtime or Sling?
A show of hands,
now. Who sends holiday cards? Pretty good response. Okay, second show of hands. Who LIKES
sending holiday cards?
Anyone?
C’mon. Don’t be shy.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Ahah! One raised hand…
Yes, you in the last
row. You’re it and because you have no competition, you are this year’s
champion liker. Someone buy that poor schmuck a certified pre-owned
fruitcake. A new one would be a waste of
money. It would lose half its value once you drove it off the lot.
I’m Wes Richards. My
opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments
to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2019
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